In addition to all of yesterday’s wonderfulness in the form of all your favorite recipes from the year 2013, I would be pretending to be a better cook than I really am if I didn’t also reflect on the less delicious recipes of the year. To put it lightly, 2013 twas also the year of fails. Anytime you have a person vaguely self-taught in food and cooking with loosely organized ideas trying to make a food combination taste good, you’re probably going to get some not-so-happy endings.
There was a very strong pattern in the fails this year: primarily that they start with the word HEALTHY and end with DESSERT. I have no explanation for myself other than to apologize for trying to make weird and healthy ingredients try to taste like things that should only ever be buttery, sugary, and richly chocolatey. It’s the ultimate betrayal to self.
Here are the most memorable (or what’s the word for anti-memorable?) yuck-ster recipes of the last year.
Healthy Chocolate Chip Cookie Bites
Okay, I have a bone to pick with whoever had the idea to use trendy coconut oil in place of good old fashioned butter. Meaning, myself. They look like they might taste a little tint bit good, but that’s really only because of that one luscious little melted chocolate chip on top. Coconut oil instead of butter = N-O. They looked like flattened tennis balls and tasted like crumbly coconut. But worse.
Healthy Chocolate Banana Frosting
Here and now I ask for your forgiveness for these horrendous results of what started as just a medium-bad idea. The cupcakes were decent, so there was that. But the frosting was like something from another planet. I’m 96% sure it made noise when you looked at it. Globbity gloppy gloop.
Pomegranate Shrimp
I know you’re tempted to like this because it kind of looks good, but don’t you dare think that for one second. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I literally had to get up and go to the garbage to spit it out. It’s very hard to go wrong with a good pomegranate, so you can give me like one fourth of a bonus point for that, but the rest of this dish was just nauseating. I blame it on some combination of the quality of the Minnesota shrimp and my extremely over zealous seasoning with every herb in my spice cabinet. My major bad.
Swedish Christmas Bread
This delicious failure of a braided bread ring took four hours of my life to mix, rest, knead, rise, shape, and bake. And naturally it took another four hours of my life when it set off the fire alarm, crusted black stuff all over my baking pans, and required washing of my clothes and hair to get rid of the burnt smell. Special.
Healthy Cinnamon Pumpkin Blondies
Please block this from your memory. I don’t know what’s melting out of the middle but it’s no good, my friends. NO GOOD.
Chocolate Oatmeal Cake:
Remember when I baked a cake for one hour and ended up with hot goo? Yes. A flimsy aluminum pan filled with hot chocolate goo which I then ate in depression. I think I might have cried while spooning the chocolate into my mouth (not joking – it was my first baking experiment in the Philippines and I was convinced that this was the end.) FYI this eventually made it into my favorite recipes of the year because I learned how to appropriately use my no-temperature-marking oven in the Philippines. Recipe here!
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
At one time you could actually pick these up without them turning into ash instantaneously. But then I got a hold of them.
Mango Pie
I dove headfirst into the Mango Pie the second it came out of the oven so it became Mango Smoosh. It was actually very delicious and I might have eaten about 3/4 of the pie. I mean, the Smoosh. And now this picture is really grossing me out.
No-Donut-Pan Donuts
As in, baked in aluminum foil rings instead of a mini-donut pan. In my mind it was total Pinterest bait. In reality it was… ugly. But at least I had that nice Valentine’s napkin.
“Perfect” Chocolate Chip Cookies
Perfect except for that they will break your teeth.
Chocolate Surprise:
I think this was something I tried to bake that was a completely flat fail, so I pressed nuts into it and froze it. But honestly, I don’t even remember, which is probably best for everyone.
Roasted Beets
Also known as dirt in your mouth.Ā I think I spy some rosemary in there as an attempted taste-cover-up, but no such luck, my friends. Dirt is dirt.
Cherry Almond Tea Ring
The version my mother in law makes uses crescent dough and a cream cheese filling which, against all of the magical odds of crescent dough and cream cheese filling, I managed to completely destroy. Tea ring –> tea pile of semi-burnt messy, although as you can see from the picture, it was a lost cause waaay before hitting the oven. Beyond salvageable, drowning in filling, cut and arranged like a three year old did it. I do not deserve to be married into this tea-ring making family.
There you have it, friends. Or can I still call you friends after all that? Like, if I promise to never commit these food crimes again? Puhleese?
Here’s to less burning, fewer healthy desserts, and more of the good stuff in 2014.
Happy New Year! *CHEERS*
Okay, yeah, that tea ring IS a hot mess!
I am not a food blogger. But I came across your tea ring recipe from 2015, which linked me to this blog post. I just have to say I was laughing OUT LOUD reading these. When I saw the blackened sweet potatoes, I think I started crying. I hope 2014 was just as funny, but with fewer fails!
This is just what I needed today. I laughed the whole way through. SO funny!!!!!! So glad even you (who seems perfect in the kitchen [and elsewhere!]) has these types of mishaps, too! Pinterest Fails all the way.
Staci
http://www.missbloodymary.com
omg omg omg LOLOLOLOLOL i can NOT stop laughing – but not at all at you, soooo with you. The look on your face in the one pic…and then the roasted sweet potatoes and the tea ring at the end…omg. My stomach actually hurts, thank you for sharing:) Very encouraging. Even the best of the BEST would tell such stories so it’s all good!
If you want beets by themselves, try them steamed and then sauced w/orange juice and honey. If you want them roasted, use a mix of cut-up vegetables and autumn fruit: carrots, beets, potatoes, winter squash, onions or leeks, garlic, tart apples, and what-have-you, mixed with some olive oil and your choice of herbs (Penzey’s Tuscan Sunset, for a shortcut). … Add pears and walnuts near the end of roasting, and then gorgonzola (or the like) and a splash of balsamic vinegar at the very end. Before mixing the whole batch in the olive oil and herbs, I precook the cut-up potatoes in the microwave, because these usually cook a lot more slowly than the rest. Can cover at the beginning, but roast uncovered at the end. Low to medium heat, 1 to 2 hours? — Well worth a try. (You can tell I don’t follow exact recipes.)
This is my favorite blog post of all time! Love the honesty and humor. So refreshing! I love that you don’t take yourself or your food too seriously. Had me laughing out loud…thanks!
I’m sorry for the less than wonderful taste tests you had, but it’s nice to know that other people also have struggles in trying to create new recipes or finding out some recipes are not as wonderful as we hoped. Thanks for the post!
This was like an SNL skit of food blogs.
Refreshing… š
Your fails reminds of my first year baking and cooking gluten-free. Gah.
Hahaha! Thanks for the comment Nicolette!
haha! This was ridiculously awesome to read…you have a way with words! I loved reading about your kitchen fails, makes me feel less discouraged about mine š
So I guess I’m not alone! It feels good to know that other people fail too š
Just kidding. It was hilarious š
This is hilarious and love your lovely definitions of these “special” treats!
Loved seeing these! This gave me a huge smile! Always reassuring to know that you aren’t the only one that has kitchen fails!
Hey Lindsay
Absolutely love this! It’s so honest and down to earth and REAL. So many blogs you read are so glossy and beautiful, but make you feel like s*t because you know your own attempts usually don’t turn out like that. And what you show here is how often things just don’t at all work out the way you wanted š
I know the feeling of “that’ll-shine-on-my-blog/Pinterest”, only to then come out the oven burnt, flat, pale and ugly… and all that effort that went into it…
Anyway, great blog love all the photography. I’m trying to improve my blog and make it more interesting for readers, do you have any tips? Would be great to hear from you about how you did it.
Hi Miriam! Are you talking specifically about improving photography? I have an ebook with some tips and tricks that I’ve learned, you can find it here: https://pinchofyum.com/tasty-food-photography Thanks for the comment!
It’s nice to see a reality check in the food blogging world! We’ve all had our share of blunders and it’s nice to see that everyone has their problems! Thanks for sharing!
I love that you shared these! Sometimes I think I’m the only person who has recipe mishaps, so I’m glad to see I’m not alone! All of your posts are usually so delicious and perfect-looking, but it makes me like your site even more to see the ones that turned out not-so-perfect. Thanks for keeping it real š
OMG – I’m shocked to find out that you are human after all {grin}! Loved this post, Lindsay, because I think readers assume that we bloggers post every recipe we make and don’t realize that we, too, make mistakes, horrible messes and/or create inedible recipes! Thanks for brightening my day and even if the food you made was terrible, as always your photos are beautiful!
This is soooo coool! Love that you actually put these up and showed us the other side too! We always imagine food bloggers have perfect kitchens and perfect meals, but this brings in a bit of reality.
This is really funny and novel – imagine all of us trying to share our successful recipes and here you are sharing all the failed ones with the world. I guess this is what makes your blog so endearingly different and honest. I am still rolling in laughing!
You are hilarious! Thanks so much for keeping it real, nobody’s perfect! And don’t feel bad about crying over the chocolate cake, I accidentally made cookies with bread flour because my dad mislabeled the containers, and I totally cried when they tasted absolutely terrible. No shame.
Sometimes… you just need a few tears to ease the stress. š
Thanks for sharing! I have to admit it’s nice to see the “fails” amongst your beautiful other pictures. Reminds me of real life š Thanks for sharing the good and the bad!
Hi Lindsey! This is probably THE BEST food related post I’ve ever read. I mean EVER! Your humor is to die for! I’ve visited pinch of yum for the first time and I’m glad I did. This post made me laugh like crazy! You don’t find such things on a food blog and quite honestly this post is really refreshing after reading ‘recipe only blogs’.
P.S Ashes and dirt cracked me up! I still can’t stop laughing! Great job!
You are funny! Thanks Radhika!
Great idea to show everyone how human you are with your mistakes. I always smile when I think of you making pancakes with your fourth graders a few years ago…
Smiles for our bonus day off… I think I will go in on Monday just for a short time just to get my head in the game. Happy new year!
Good idea! I was thinking about doing that too but I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. Right now my chair, blanket, and sweatshirt are feeling just a little too comfy.
So funny! Love your humor. š
I love that you shared this! I’m a newcomer to pinch of yum, but so glad I found you today. Looking forward to the blog posts to come š x
Thanks Marie! Glad to have you. š
Too funny! š I love seeing these. I get so bummed out when I make something that tastes like dirt, ash, or something unmentionable. There’s nothing like putting time and effort into a dish or recipe, and then burning the heck out of it on accident. Not that I’ve done that. š This shows that it’s possible to spin those mistakes and mishaps into something funny. Thanks for that!