This post is part of a ten-post series I’m sharing about the life and loss of our son, Afton. Click here to read more of Afton’s story.
It’s been almost one month, and time has softened the grief only to unleash a storm of questions. I try to sit with them, to work through them, but the most cruel one lingers: why couldn’t my body hold onto my baby?
A few nights ago, I couldn’t sleep. I laid on the couch by myself, in the dark except for a box of Kleenex, and I thought back to seeing Afton for the last time on the ultrasound just before he was born. It was the exact definition of bittersweet: watching his lively feet kick right down through my dilated cervix, showing us that he was happy and healthy, but that he needed to come out before it was time. It was the last time I saw or felt him move.
Over and over I thought about it – he was perfect, but I was flawed. How could my body not know how to do this natural, life-giving thing for him? I cried hard that night as I sat alone in the dark. Why? WHY? He was beautifully and intricately formed, more than any living thing I’d ever seen. He was loved so fiercely.
And then, without missing a beat, I heard – You are, too.
Or maybe more like felt it, right there in the intense darkness. Lindsay: you are, too. You are beautifully and intricately formed, and you are loved so fiercely.
I’m always a little wary of people who say “God spoke to me,” so I won’t make that assertion when I can’t say for sure. But what came into my mind in that moment, and what I know deep-down is true, and how God loves us… they all match. I’m keeping it. The reason I think this story is worth sharing is because I think this place of self-doubt is more universal than it is personal. And that you-are-too message? That feeling? I want you to keep it, too.
I am convinced that God looks at me the way I look at Afton, except better: as perfectly made, beautiful, and so loved. I am also convinced that Afton’s loss is a tragedy that happened in my body. To be honest, I don’t necessarily believe there’s a reason for it, that God wanted it, willed it, or planned it, or that “my body failed me.” My body grew a beautiful baby and tragedy took him away.
What I know of God is that he is life and love, and he is with us in the dark night of tragedy, and that he made us beautifully the same way he made Afton beautifully. And he is weeping with us – all of us – for tragedy and loss of life.
I know that I’m not the only one with a broken heart these days. So many of you have sent messages and emails, and whether your story is the same or something completely different, I think this truth still applies. I’m including this as a part of Afton’s story to remind myself – and us – that just as beautiful and perfect and loved as our sweet Afton was?
You are, too.
I can hardly believe this! The night I lost my baby, as I lay in bed crying and screaming in my mind to God, “How could you do this to me?! I never asked you for anything until I asked you to save my baby!”. I heard (not really heard, there was no voice. It was just words, as clear as day) God spoke to me too. He holds us.
Lindsay, I remember reading one of your posts, about Afton. This was right after I had a miscarriage. And this was my second time. first time i lost twins, and second time a little bub. And every time this happened, I only blamed my body. When it wasnt.
Dreams are shattered, thoughts on building memories with the tiny little life inside you.
Im still not a mom, but I know there is hope and faith. You have written your pain and love so beautifully, lightens my heart.
Peace always be with you.
Thank you for this, Lindsay. Thank you for sharing all of this with me (with us) – the jagged edges, the painful truth, the love and the beauty of it. I’m so glad you two are expecting again and I am sending my very best wishes and hopes to you three for a healthy, happy little one who makes it to 40 weeks on the nose. All the best, Eve
I have been glued to my computer screen, reading your stories of Afton and his life. I too, was so angry at my body when I lost my baby. I felt that it was my body’s fault that it didn’t keep my baby alive. I wanted to punish my body- my actual physical body by starving it or depriving it of something (which I did not do). I have been able to work through that anger and I know it had nothing to do with my body, but it was God’s will that my baby wouldn’t survive. I can just totally relate to the feeling of blaming your body.
As a Christian, I also needed to be reminded of how much God loves us, even greater than a Mother’s love.
Thank you for sharing your journey of the life and loss of sweet Afton.
Though my story differs from your story, I have caught glimpses of myself in your words. This post in particular. The guilt and feelings of failure that have accompanied the premature birth of my son have been some of the hardest for me to work through. Months later the process is ongoing.
My heart breaks for you and your husband. Through my journey I have found solace in reading the words of others with similar experiences. I hope you take comfort in that sharing your story will help with other’s healing journeys as well as your own.
Afton is a beautiful name and the photos of him are so precious. He is perfect.
Take care.
I have been reading your story today–since I stumbled onto your blog (when looking for a cold matcha latte recipe…). This feels like something I needed to read. Tears have been streaming and I’m so touched by–and grateful for–everything you’ve shared. The love you’ve expressed for Afton and for yourself is beautiful. I also admire the relationship you and your husband have. These posts are such a gift in so many ways. I’m a single 58-year-old (in Mpls) who is content and grateful for the life and friendships I have. I am so sorry for your loss–and at the same time, I believe this kind of deep emotional sharing is so beautiful and needed by so many–including me. Thank you so much. Blessings to you, Bjork, Afton, Sage, and all who have held you through this.
lindsay,
I have been following your story since the beginning but just now finding myself reading through the 10-part posts…even now I find myself with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and praying comfort to you and Bjork from the Prince of Peace. One thing I know for sure is Afton was created for eternity. Regardless of how many breaths he took in this life, or whether or not God “willed” this, he most definitely designed him for eternal life…and one you both get to join him in. What a joyful day that will be!!!
powerful. beautiful. truth. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this, Lindsay.
I lost my dad almost 7 years ago, when I was in high school, and even today, I still have moments of crushing sadness and am left asking ‘why?’ so often. Like you, I don’t believe there was a reason, but that tragedy took him away. It seems so unfair because you, me, people in similar situations are cut off short, still with so much love left to give. The thing that helps me most is knowing that someday I’ll be able to see him again. My heart breaks for you, but I also hope that, as time goes on, you find peace.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.
This is so true! A universal message that is straight from the heart of God to every one of us human beings. Drinking in deeply the truth that we are loved transforms our daily lives even in the darkest nights. Continuing in prayers for comfort, love and peace.
Lindsay, thanks for sharing. I also want to add that God loved Afton even more than you and Bjork did! And we both know that you will see your little boy in heaven – what a comfort, that this world does not get the last say! That day can’t come soon enough! praying for you!
Oh my, how I love the three of you. I pray for God’s comfort and healing for you. You are so wise.
Hi Lindsay and Bjork, I am praying for you both asking the Lord to strengthen and support you through this devastating time. I just wanted to share some information that my daughter learned after she lost her first baby at five months. She got to hold Carly and they had a small funeral for her, but after that she too had a million questions as to what caused this loss. The medical center where she delivered did not find the cause. HOWEVER, when my daughter became pregnant again, she went to a well known specialist and he found the reason for the baby’s early delivery. It was something called strep B. Women who carry strep B need to be tested for it. Then at a certain point in their pregnancy there is treatment for it. The baby is also placed in the ICU at delivery and watched and treated as well. That is how my daughter had a successful delivery the second time. Ask your doctor to check you for strep B then ask how they handle it today (it was 21 years ago when baby Carly died from it.) Of course I am not a doctor and I have no idea what caused your darling boy to come too early, but strep B is a possibility and back then neither my daughter nor myself had ever heard of it. I wanted to share this with you just in case that is the reason for your loss. Love to both of you. God is in this and He has Afton, no doubt about that.
Everything you say here resonates so deeply with me. And what a beautiful “voice” you have to witness to it.
Amen and amen.
This post hit me…hard. Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with “unexplained” infertility. The same questions you described are those I’ve asked myself a million times. And even though I’ve never carried a baby, I often wonder why this is happening to me. You are not alone. And you are so very loved!
I feel so sad to read your post, because I know how hard to go through this horrible time. One thing always remember: that God is always with you… With God all things are possible. Reading your story, I start to appreciate more and more my children (I have 4 of them). When I was pregnant with baby # 4, it was a shock to me because we didn’t expect. But reading your story it tells me how silly, stupid I was. God gave me all 4 beautiful and healthy children. but I do feel so sorry for your lost. I had two miscarriages and I can feel your pain. Just always remember: God is always with you. Sometimes God wants to test our faith. Trust to the Lord!!! Praying for your recovery… Just always remember God and your husband is always near you
Oh… God certainly didn’t plan this. He is a loving God, He doesn’t plan evil for us. But I can promise you this: He will ALWAYS turn the bad stuff around for something good. (Romans 8:28) Thank you for sharing your heart. You were fearfully & wonderfully made. Your body didn’t fail. It was NOT your fault. You are LOVED. Rest in Him, & rest in the knowledge that He’s working this situation for good, even though it’s so, SO hard. Blessings & prayers for your family.
I just wanted to share my sister in law’s experience with you. Her body couldn’t hold her first baby in any longer. My niece was born at 26 weeks at just under 2 lbs. For my sister in laws next pregnancy, the doctor stitched her cervix closed. Then after she reached a safe period, he took out the stitches and was able to continue the rest of the way. I don’t know all the circumstances with you, but maybe this will help put you at ease.
I miscarried a baby at 11 weeks and I found out 6 weeks later that the reason wasn’t a flaw with the baby (like many people try to reason to make you feel better), it was my body’s flaw that caused it. I know the thoughts that go through your mind as you go through the grieving.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and tragic piece of your life. Thanks for your bravery in sharing your story too, at such a raw time in your life as you process what happened to you and your husband. May you find peace and continue to share all your gifts with us, your readers.
Awesome– Amen! And t h a n k y o u.
It’s in the darkest moments of my life, I’ve heard the same voice. God shows up in such a stoic form with His words being so timely. He gives simple assurance, profound and present and yet it’s usually for me, not a string of words or sentiments, yesterday it was, “Wait.” Last week, it was “You don’t know what I’m doing.” The words meant something to only me and what I was struggling with. He says he is near to the broken hearted. He is with you. Your story is healing others as you heal. Thank you for sharing. It brings perspective to life and makes me wonder why I ever cared about everyday things that simply don’t matter.
Much love to you and thank you for sharing your grief, and your comfort, during your saddest days.
You speak truth. So many things cannot be explained. But God is there and loving us. And His love is individual, customized, and healing. It’s what got me through several years of infertility, then a surprise pregnancy that ended up with my baby in the NICU for almost 2 months. God gave us strength and showed us how he loved us. You are a wise woman Lindsay. My prayers are with you.