This post is part of a ten-post series I’m sharing about the life and loss of our son, Afton. Click here to read more of Afton’s story.
The first time I felt Afton kick was on a tour bus in Lyon, France. We were driving by the river, all lit up at night – and with two teeny tiny pops, there he was. I smiled and cried because I was in France with my favorite person and our baby was saying hi for the very first time. It was too awesome.
I became obsessed with trying to get Bjork to feel the kicks, but I was never fast enough. It became a routine – we’d lay in bed reading, and every three minutes I’d grab his hand and say: THERE! There he was! Did you feel that? And every time, Afton would get still and quiet. It was a game. That stinker.
Our last “normal” day before the hospital was everything I would have wanted it to be. Bjork and I drove to the studio together – a rare event. We met with our builder to finalize the details of the baby-inspired remodel that was supposed to start in a few days, and we laughed about finishing the remodel before April 26. “Please don’t come early, baby!” I joked easily. I took Sage for a walk around the lake and listened to an audiobook on breastfeeding. (Sweet Afton: your mom is nothing if not a nerd.) Bjork and I worked late, until 8pm, saying outloud how sweet it was to enjoy these last months of having such a flexible schedule before our lives would get changed by the miracle of a newborn. We got dinner at a cheap Mexican restaurant and came back to snuggle on the couch with Sage.
As soon as we sat down, Afton started kicking. I grabbed Bjork’s hand, expecting more of the same shyness, but as soon as I put his hand on my belly, Afton gave a strong, direct kick. Bjork’s eyes popped and we both laughed with wonder. There he was! Introducing himself to his daddy on what would be our last night together at home.
Our last normal day with Afton was just that – normal. Sweet, precious, normal. That’s what I want to leave as my last story, because our normal days with our baby were some of the best days of my life.
“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.” – Mary Jean Irion
Afton – we’re celebrating your life today and every day. 💙 I’m so proud to be your mom.
I just finished reading your story of Afton, and was so deeply touched. Thank you for sharing it. I know it’s been a few years now, not that time matters. I also know that as time heals, it doesn’t forget. I’ve experienced deep loss in my life, and while it was years ago, and my life has moved on in so many ways, that loss can all of a sudden be as fresh as if it happened today. I used to hate remembering and feeling the pain fresh again. However now, though I don’t enjoy the pain, I value the memories more. The fresh tears clear my head and heart and make me more peaceful, more quiet inside, and more certain of who I am. It’s good to remember. I wish you the very best.
I was just searching the web for first trimester recipes when your blog popped up. I started to read about how you were once a 4th grade teacher, you love food and cooking it, and that you had lost your first child. My heart sank instantly, and I felt such a strong connection. I needed to know more. You see I too am a 4th grade teacher, I love food and cooking (even though teaching is still my life’s work), and I lost my first child 6 months ago at birth. We never found a reason, but after 26 hours of contractions, with little dilation, we went in for an epidural, and her heart rate was lost. We had an emergency c-section, and while I got to hold my beautiful girl, she never took a breath.
I wanted to say how much comfort (even though I know that is strange to say) I took in reading your story about your beautiful son. Thank you so much for sharing. I found a lot of peace in sharing my story with family and friends as well. It is like she is living on through them.
We also went to Hawaii about 3 months after we lost her just to try and heal with the help of the Island, I hope you found peace there as well. We came back to the pandemic just beginning which was scary to think about being alone and not surrounded by those we love. We again had to find that new “normal” like we did after losing our sweet girl. Lastly, I want to say you give me hope. We just found out that we are pregnant again, and while there are many fears we are very excited to welcome another member to our family as you and your husband did. Thank you so much for all you do and for your heart and strength. It is so nice not to be alone with the grief.
Thank you so much for sharing, it was beautiful. I’ve been making your recipes for years but never knew you went through this. Today in a couple hours I check into the hospital to be induced at 21 weeks 4 days to give birth to my tiny dead baby. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the labor or the days and weeks after without my baby. How am I going to walk out of those doors no longer pregnant but with no baby? My heart is broken in a way I never imagined was possible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this, especially mama like us who do EVERYTHING right! We were so looking forward to meeting our first and only child in October. We are completely devastated.
I came to your blog tonight to look at recipes and found your stories about sweet Afton. I’ve been lying in bed crying reading through your beautifully-written, heart- wrenching story. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. My mom lost a baby boy she named Eric at right around the same age as Afton. She lost him before I was born, so I grew up with the understanding that I have a brother in Heaven, but I honestly never felt the depths of what she went through until reading your story tonight. Your heart is beautiful, and your light truly shines. Thank you again.
This is so beautiful and so sad. I just came across your blog from Pinterest and I had to read this. It is so heartbreaking but you two are so strong about it. As a mother I couldn’t even begin to imagine how you both must feel about this tragedy but even though I don’t know you, I am so proud of how strong you are. Your baby boy is so sweet and I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your family will certainly be in my prayers tonight.
Lindsay, thank you for the powerful and brave blog you wrote about your beautiful son Afton. I came across it “accidently” after signing up for Bloglovin’. I had been wavering about signing up because my inbox is already full of miscellaneous newsletters, but something drew me in and the next thing I knew I was reading your story. Your words and pictures moved me in a profound way. They were such a wonderful reminder of the loving God we have and how he carries us through the hardest times. You were a great blessing to me this morning. Grace and peace to you and Bjork.
Hi, Lindsay and Bjork. I just read through your Afton posts and I’m sitting here trying to type through tears. What a touching story, shared with such taste and grace. Afton picked the right parents and you gave him exactly what he needed. You are amazing and strong! Thank you for sharing your heart and the story of your beautiful son!
Dear Lindsey,
Again, many thanks for your amazing take on things. I visit your site often. Right now we are really into the cauliflower thing: detox salad is a fave…
What I want to say is, I love your remodel updates. And , of course Sage. We have a PBGV named Owen. He is delightful/demanding and irresistable! All the best, to you and Bjork. I have never walked your path but I believe you are doing more good than you know!
Here’s a wierd fun fact: my maternal grandfather was 100 percent Swedish and grew up in Cambridge, Mn. My husband and I now live in NE but we lived in Mendota Heights MN for 22 Years! One of the reasons I fell in love with you is because I miss the twin cities. Nebraska is home now and equally great.
I still listen to Sweet Afton by Nickel Creek and when I do, I send a prayer your way!
Barbara
What a gift to read your dear Afton’s birth story. Thank you so much for sharing him with us, his life had weight in this world. We will look forward to meeting him.
Hello,
Thankyou for sharing the story of Afton, amazing and heartbreaking journey. I am deeply touched by the intensity of your feelings and the profoundness of your wisdom. May God cover his loving arms around both of you. You are brave and wonderful, both of you, for reaching out at a time like this.
thanks.
I have so much to say and no idea how to say it, but I will just say “thank you.” Your faith and love are so strong. Praying for you and Bjork and Afton.
Dear Lindsay,
I just wanna hug you for how beautiful human being you are. I have been the follower of your blog and I quietly read the whole story – numb in my feelings. I didn’t know wha to say. Nothing I said would be enough to ease your pain. But I couldn’t resist writing to you just to let you know you are such a pure, beautiful human being. Your story has moved me. Every single word is so precious. Even in your pain you have taught us so much. You make poetry with your words. Your kindness moves the world.
I had always thought of you an Bjork as how wonderful, humble human beings you are when you shared knowledge through your blog. But even in pain you haven’t changed a bit.
We can never understand your pain, but know that I feel what you are going through. Wishing loads of love to you, Bjork and sweetest baby boy Afton. May you always be blessed.
I found your blog through another Minnesota blogger I follow. I feel like these things happen in your life at the right time for a reason. My husband and I got pregnant with our first baby in November and lost our baby the end of January. My story is so very different from yours, but my story brought me to your story. And oh my, what an amazing journey yours is. You and your husband are amazing people, such an inspiration of strength, grace and love. I’m so very sorry to hear about your sweet Afton, what a very lucky little boy to be born to such wonderful and loving parents. Thank you so very much for sharing your journey, sending thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.
This was beautiful. May God be with you and little Afton.
I am so sorry for your loss! If it is any help, when I was in the depths of grief I found 3 things that helped me…. (1) help someone else – volunteer, get out and help others in need helped me forget my grief for a bit; (2) deeper Bible study – I ended up joining Bible Study Fellowship which has been great; and (3) exercise and get outside more – it helped my mind….
I have not cried so much in a long time. I’d give all of my tomorrows so you could have one more day with Afton.
God Bless You. God Bless Afton.
I came here for a healthy recipe after a recent health scare and I am leaving forever changed by your heartbreaking yet beautiful story. Your sweet precious angel Afton has left an imprint on my soul and that is something you as his mommy should be so proud. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and wish you peace and healing in the days to come.
I have not read this blog for many months, so when I came back I was very sad to read about what recently happened..
Your story is both beautiful and heartbreaking to read :'( Baby boy Afton is truly a beauty, like you guys.
I am so sorry for your loss. Stay true to your faith, even though this is a huge test. Someone in Texas is praying for you.
mg
Dear Lindsay and Bjork, I just read through this beautifully written tribute to your precious son and cannot stop weeping. Lindsay, you touched on so many things that we all need to be reminded about, concerning love and faith and healing. How magnificent that Afton could be a part of that learning and teaching. You have been given a beautiful gift. Afton’s essence continues to live on and be a beacon of light for you both. Sending you love and gratitude for sharing your story. It touches me deeply.
Lindsay,
I have been an on and off reader of your blog for the last couple of years. I love your recipes and was so excited a few months ago when I read of your pregnancy. I hadn’t checked in in a few months but you have been on my heart and mind recently. Now I know why – I feel like this was the prodding of the Holy Spirit. I just sat at my desk and wept, reading the entire series about your sweet Afton. ( I love his name and love Nickel Creek too!) So perfect. Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray that it was therapeutic for you and that you know that the impact of your story will reach farther than you could imagine. You will remain in my prayers in the coming days. Grace and Peace to you and your family. Thank you again for sharing this story.
Though I don’t know you but I am really touched by your story, I really admire the courage and strength with which you took the situation in its stride.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your story and am thinking of you three; keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope by sharing your story, it has brought your strength and support. I hesitate to share my story but I will, in the hopes that it brings you hope for your future.
I had a 24 1/2 week, 1 lb. 5 ounce son, Ethan. On the night he was born, they told us he had a 50/50 chance of survival and even if he did survive, there may be many complications. We were naively elated anyway and we held fast. We spent every day of the next three months and a good portion of the next 2 years holding our breath. Fast forward, he is now 18 years old, applying to college, runs cross country and is a mean guitar player. He is joined by his sister, Grace, 15, who was born 1 week overdue in the summer. I hope this is not off putting. I just wanted to share my story with you to give you hope and send a little positivity your way. Hold fast and may God bless you!
There are no words. Hugs. Many many hugs.
Your posts about your short time with your gorgeous Afton have been heartbreaking and heartwarming at once. Thank you for sharing Lindsay. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and I hope that you continue to find strength and love in the short time you had together