April is a strange time for us this year.
From the moment the due date calculator online spit out April 26th, 2017, every commitment on our calendar submitted to that day and that month and that season. And that season is now. It’s Spring and it’s April and it’s nearing our day specifically, but our lives have completely changed. The parallel life of different, happier endings ghosts us around every corner. It’s Saturday: I should be packing a hospital bag. It’s nice outside: we should be installing a carseat and washing onesies. It’s Easter: I should be way too pregnant to hunt for Easter eggs. (Because yes, my mom still makes us hunt for eggs when we are 30. Thank you, mom. 💙)
Our big moment in April is here, getting closer with each day, but it feeling farther away than ever before. We’re walking through our lives on the wrong side of a cruelly indestructible, paper-thin veil – one that’s translucent enough for us to see our hopes and dreams unfolding differently just across the divide. It is real and it is hard.
A big part of that plan-your-whole-life-around-April thing was getting started with a remodel on our house. Or a build? Maybe it should be called a build. We aren’t really remodeling anything because there was nothing in our attic to begin with. We are talking about taking nothing other than a roof and some beams and making it into something – a livable space. And the reason for the build was, of course, April. The baby. Our son Afton.
We met with the builders the day before I was admitted to the hospital. We joked about how we would have to make sure not to have the baby early so they’d have time to finish. Wouldn’t that be complicated, we laughed. To have a baby before the remodel is done. But not to worry – we’ll have plenty of time – two full months to settle in, assuming the project will be done in early March.
Again with that paper-thin veil.
The day after we had sat at our kitchen counter joking about early deliveries, I was admitted to the hospital. And within a week, we had delivered our baby, held him as he died, and gone back home. One week, one lifetime. The building team was supposed to arrive on Tuesday, January 3rd, which was the day we came home from the hospital. Bjork had to call them from our hospital room: take the lumber back, call off the crew. Isn’t that the perfect picture of grief? a co-mingling of the sacred and the mundane? Meet your baby for the first time. Learn that your baby is not going to make it. Cry. Hold your baby, read to him, and change his diaper. Experience a holy love. Let him go. Cry. Realize that this is probably one of the lowest moments of your life. And then call a remodeling company and let them know that they need to come pick up the porta potty that has been left on your driveway. The mundane doesn’t go away just because your life has been turned upside down.
As you maybe guessed, since you’re reading a post titled “Attic Remodel Tour”, this thing is still happening.
In March, rather than finishing this project and preparing for baby, we resurrected the project and covered our house in plastic tarps and found ourselves with the porta potty in our driveway again. It’s so bittersweet: our 3D drawings of the space still include a bassinet drawn into the dormer. It’s an Afton-inspired space even though he won’t ever share it with us. The remodel is yet another way our should-have-been life is ghosting us.
But you guys, it’s also so, so good. It’s bringing joy, excitement, life, and CHANGE. We are not just the same people living in the same house – we have been forever marked by loss and by difference. And this change reflects our newness. It’s a gift. Part because of the symbolism, part because of the cute subway tile shower. 😍😍😍
Many of you have been following along since the day we moved into this little old house. Remember how I showed you a picture of the attic? Remember how I said: someday?
Friends, it’s April 18th, 2017. Someday is now.
An Update On Our Attic Remodel
Okay, so the beams are beautiful, right?
But that was about all this space had going for it. Even the brick chimney was virtually useless, since we have no fireplace and since the brick was out a 2 out of 10 on the coolness scale. Too much brick gunk, you know what I mean? There was no insulation (reminder: we live in arctic Minnesota) and the nails would freeze over every winter, putting literal frost on the INSIDE of this space. This attic was not compatible with real life. It was rough.
Step one: take out the brick chimney and get this space framed up. We were dividing one large space into four: a bedroom, a bathroom, a walk-in closet, and a “bonus room” aka cute area at the top of the stairs.
Then: insulation, to avoid the aforementioned frost-coming-in-through-roof situation. This was about the time we decided to vacate and head to Mom and Dad’s house with Sagey for a few days.
Then we came back home and the fun started.
WALLS. ROOMS. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.
Mostly recently, we picked our paint colors (light grey overload – same as what we have in the kitchen – and white to the max in the bathroom) and watched the tile go in, the trim get added, and the doors get installed.
Things are looking super awesome up here.
So that’s it for Tour #1! To those of you who reached out with lighting recommendations after my Instagram story: thank you very much. That was super helpful and I think we got most everything picked out. DO NOT LET ME CHANGE MY MIND ON ANYTHING.
When the next phase is complete (carpet, light fixtures, cabinetry) I will be back with another tour, and then? once we get all settled? There will def be a final reveal. It might be in November 2045 because hello, I’m slow at decorating, but it will come.
Thank you for touring with us! Let’s pretend this was real and you were actually in my house and now I’m giving you a chocolate chip cookie. 💛
Hi great job! Couple questions how did you handle the duct work? Did you tap into old system or upgrade your current system? Also did you soundproof the floors in any way from first floor to loft? I am doing almost the exact same thing you did mine is 1908 farmhouse. I had bounce in the floors so sister trussed them and adding rock wool sound proofing insulation while i am at it.
Thanks
hello! we are doing a similar remodel to our attic! just curious, what did you use to insulate? we are in zone5 btw! thanks!
Your attic looks very much like mine! Is yours a 1940s Sears Kit Home? 😀
I’m looking to finish my attic too.
Did you have to add more studs to the roof trusses in order to fit more insulation?
Also what about insulation under the floor (ceiling of floor below)? Did you have to remove old insulation so heat from floors below would rise up there?
Thank you!
I was moved to tears by your story.
What a beautiful couple you are. I just purchased a 2 bed 1 bath house in WI and would love to talk ‘attic reno’ with someone. Any ideas?
I love your recipes… And it turns out you live in St Paul! Me too. Our attic is the SAME.. inspired now to renovate! I found you from your shrimp taco with garlic lime slaw.. it is a once a week “gotta make em” request in our house. Thanks for sharing… I will be following your blog! Maybe see you around town!
Easy to follow, I really like it thanks for sharing.
We have a tiny little Mpls home and also an IDENTICAL attic “before.” Currently redoing ours and I just have to know—how you sourced those custom/built-in shelves and drawers?! It turned so beautifully!
I am taking on a similar attic project in Minnesota with a very very similar sized space. I am trying to figure out a floor plan with the room, closet and bath. Do you have a floor plan for your layout you could share?
For some reason your recipes stopped coming.
Are you alright. I loved and miss them, but mostly I am worried about you.
I will say a prayer that you and your family are doing well, now.
I follow you on IG, and love all your posts. This is such an exciting adventure, both for the space and for you. Can’t wait to see the finished product!
I love what you have done with the attic. It’s going to be amazing.
This look so great so far! I hope I get to see the finished product before 2045!!
Praying that you will be comforted in your grief tomorrow
The attic is looking incredible! I am moved that you guys are moving forward with this through pain and I hope and pray that you continue to work through this difficult season with grace. You guys are an inspiration!
Hi, Lindsay. I have read your blog off and on for years – I remember back in the very early days! What you’ve done with POY is a huge source of inspiration for me. But, that’s not why I’m writing today. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, in such a beautiful and eloquent way. Anyone who has ever experienced grief on any scale will be able to identify with the words you’ve written here. I remember the night when I first read about sweet Afton. My newborn was sleeping away, and I ran to pick her up and hold her, tears just flowing with heartbreak for your sweet family. How devastating that the world we live in can create two such dichotomous realities for two different mamas. I know there’s nothing that can be said, but I did just want to say that this stranger has been praying for you near daily. My heart will be with you guys this week, and I’ll be saying a few extra prayers on Wednesday. Much love.
Hi
The attic is looking good. I have always admired the way Americans go for insulation, we are so far behind in Australia.
I also admire your bravery in talking about your baby and I really hope he will have a sibling someday. Go girl.
Been thinking (and praying) more and more about you guys this month. Change. Change is good. Thank you for sharing linz! I’m so glad to hear that JOY is part of this change. <3
Thank you for your beautiful post.
Lindsay,
Your post definitely tugged my heartstrings! I have truly cried my eyes out over the sorrowful journey you and Bjork have been on over these last few months…but it is also very obvious that you two are strong souls who have each other to lean on…! That is SO important. …I completely agree with and feel the same as Morgen who posted earlier. <3
"The attic" is really coming together and I am so excited to see it progress. Soon you won't be able to call it the attic anymore! Looks amazing so far!
On a side note, I was able to get signed up for your photography workshop in July and am beyond excited!! I feel like I won the lottery today! Truly…(just ask my husband and work peeps – crying — even tears of joy — is not exactly cool in your 'cube.'! haha!) So, thank you for the opportunity and I am really looking forward to meeting you in person!!
Keeping you and Bjork and Afton in my thoughts and prayers for sure…<3
I’ve been waiting for a post like this from you all, not only to see remodel progress but to hear how you’re doing; how you’re really doing! Then of course I just ache reading about that paper veil and the big day looming. You are SO strong, Lindsay. You are doing so great, holding it together unbelievably well; having the courage to share your story, so honestly, so eloquently. I just admire your strength … will continue to think and wish more joy and good things come your way in this new season. <3
Thank you Sara. That means a lot.
I am super pumped for this, it looks so fun. We are currently renovating our entire home and it’s so fun watching other people do theirs.
Afton will always share the space with you, never think for a second he won’t.
Lo
http://www.themixtures.com
I know. I know. I know. This is such a good reminder. ❤️ Thank you.
Thanks for the tour!
April is a month of rejuvenating. I’m glad to see the newness that is coming to your life. So sorry for the loss of Sweet Afton. It is never easy to say hello and goodbye to your baby at the same time.
I have read your chronicles about this and I love how you write – so deep, so touching, so profound.
May God continue to uphold you and Bjork and give you all the strength you need.
This project looks exciting. So looking forward to the final reveal!
Thank you Precious! Appreciate your kind words.
Would you be willing to share the dimensions of your bathroom? We have the exact same layout in our house and I’d love to get a bathroom into our future master suite. We took our chimney down when we remodeled our kitchen 5 years ago too!
Oh my gosh, I have no idea. If you shoot us an email I can do some digging for you! You can email Jenna – jenna@pinchofyum.com – and she can remind me to look. 🙂
Lindsay, I’ve been following your blog since you lost Afton, silently reading and not saying anything, but knowing your pain too. It sounds so familiar, but unlike you I just hid my feelings and refused to talk about it. I remember when my due month came and went, it was hard seeing everyone walk around like it was just JULY, when to me it was the month we should be welcoming our baby. There are so many similarities in our reactions, like throwing ourselves into our work (oddly, it was the year I got my last promotion), however you have faced them and I have hidden. You have an amazing way with words and I truly appreciate you being real about it all and helping me heal a bit more. I am sorry for your loss, I really am. It’s a club none of us want to be in.
Thank you Liv. I’m so sorry for your loss. And whether you talk about it or not I think is so personal. For me, most days, I want to talk about it non-stop. And then there are the days that I feel like I just need to be doing other things, or at home, quiet. I really appreciate you sharing your experience here and bearing witness to Afton’s story with us. Take care Liv. ❤️