This post is part of a ten-post series I’m sharing about the life and loss of our son, Afton. Click here to read more of Afton’s story.
In the weeks leading up to Afton’s birth, I started reading some books on life with a newborn.
One of the things that I loved was this idea of giving your baby a comfort item – something that would help them fall asleep on their own. Sleep! Newborns! 👏🏼, right? Because three weeks ago, I was still a normal person who worried about things like how we would get our baby to sleep.
The idea is that you (mom/dad) sleep with the item, for example, a blanket, and after a day or two, it absorbs you – your scent, your breath, your skin – and that’s what makes it comforting to your baby.
“Isn’t that the sweetest idea, Bjork?” I said. “Let’s do that for our baby.”
In the chaotic hours after Afton was born, I found myself laying in a hospital bed holding a small fabric heart from the NICU. It was cut a little crooked, with a chintzy printed fabric, likely made with lots of love by a hospital volunteer. There was a note pinned to it instructing me to wear the heart against my skin for a day or two before placing it in Afton’s isolette, so that even in the days ahead when we could not hold him yet, he would be able to sense our presence. I immediately tucked it into my shirt. “It’s just like the book, Bjork!” I said. “Just like our plan.”
Except then things didn’t go as planned.
Yesterday morning, I tucked that fabric heart – the one I’ve been dutifully wearing every second of every day since the moment Afton was born – underneath my baby’s still hand. I wrapped the edges of the heart around his tiny body, and then I swaddled him nice and cozy for the last time on this earth before laying him to peacefully rest in his tiny casket.
We buried Afton with a few things: handwritten letters, pictures of us, pictures of Sage, a blanket from his grandma, a book that his daddy read to him.
But the thing that makes me feel most like a good mom to Afton was burying him with that crooked little fabric heart tucked up right against his chest.
My mind knows that Afton is gone, that he can’t feel or smell anymore. But my heart says so surely: good job, mama. 💙 He has his comfort item. Your baby knows that you’re with him forever.
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You are a good mama.
I have your website saved for reference. I haven’t checked in awhile…I’m crying, I just had my own little girl 3 weeks ago…I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m so sorry, I wish I could help ease the pain somehow. I pray for your peace .
I was born in 1958 2 months early with my twin sister who passed 20 minutes later. I was 2 pounds. Your story made me think of my parents and what they went through at that time. It truly is a miracle I lived. Thank you for sharing your life with us we are richer for it.
What a precious symbol of your love! You are such a wonderful momma!!!
I started coming here for recipes (like many of your readers) and connected with you as a fellow midwesterner. My heart breaks for you and Bjork. Even though I only know you through this blog, I’m sending prayers of healing your way. I am a mother and I cannot imagine how soul-crushing your grief must be. I hope you can find peace and continue to find the strength you need. God bless you and Bjork and little Afton.
Sending you nothing but love and virtual hugs. Your words are beautiful in describing your son. I ache for your loss but rejoice that you were able to hold him and feel him and know that change that happens in your heart when you hold your child. I pray for your continued strength and peace.
It was literally the best moment of my life.
Oh wow. I love your recipes but took a break from cooking for a while. I came back and saw your recent posts. So sorry to read this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of each other.
Lindsay, I came to check out a recipe and came upon this update. God bless you & family. Keep well as you take the time to heal and reflect while grieving. I feel as good if you’re strong & gentle. If ever you feel like you’re not, come back to your own words…it’s here that you’re both creating & nurturing your own essential kind strength. Take good care. 🌸
I have been thinking of you, bjork, afton and your whole loving family nonstop since you posted your urgent baby update. I have cried so many times for your loss. I have felt so many warm fuzzies from your posts and I have hugged my children a zillion extra times. Thank you sharing him with us. I can see the pride and love you have for him in each picture. He is just adorable. I’m sure your Grandma is enjoying her cuddle buddy and keeping him comfy while he waits for his mommy and daddy.
I think so, too. 💙 Thanks Ashley.
Your touching story brought tears to my eyes. May Afton rest in peace. I know he will.
My Bridget died June 5th 2016 after 5 days. 13 oz. it was the most devestating experience of my life. But things get better harder but better then now. I didn’t do anything for 3 solid months. You can email me if you’d like. Not sure if you have a grief group where you are.
Thank you so much Myleka. I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Bridget, thank you for sharing her with us.
We lost a baby niece a year ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.
As a remembrance of her I found a site on the Internet where I was able to have a star named for her. They sent a star map that shows us her star in the sky.
Now all of us can go out on a star filled night and say hello, we love you and miss you.
This gives us great comfort.
I hope this idea may appeal to you and give you some comfort
God bless you and keep you in his love
I’ve heard of that! I’ll have to look that up. Thank you Judith. Much love to you and your family.
My heart goes out to you…. I can’t imagine how you are feeling right now but the grace with which you are handling it all is inspirational. Yes indeed, good job mama! Sending you peace, love and strength as those tiny angel wings watch over you.
Afton was so lucky to have you as his parents.
I lost my baby boy four years ago this month. He was born at 31 weeks at less than two pounds and lived for 8 precious days.
I like to imagine all the angel babies up there, happy and healthy, just waiting for us to join them in the place where there are no goodbyes.
Exactly – no goodbyes. Moms and dads and babies together as they should be. Love to you Nevine.
Thank you for sharing your heart and these precious moments. Sending you both big warm hugs and many prayers of comfort.
Wow…tears. You guys have done everything two adoring, loving parents could possibly do…right down to the comforting fabric heart. You made Afton’s journey so loving and sweet. I don’t know why things happen the way they do in this crazy life but I am positively sure that love transcends everything. Afton knew this and shared his pure love with his mommy and daddy. I am so sorry it was so brief in this realm but Afton’s love will be felt all the days of your lives and beyond. Best wishes to you both. x
“I am positively sure that love transcends everything.” Yes. Thank you Mary.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I am praying for you and your family and am so sorry. You are a wonderful, deeply caring mom and Alton surely sensed a tremendous love in his short time here.
Good morning Lindsay and Bjork,
I’m sitting in our sunroom, (albeit no sun and a few snow flurries here in Maryland) and just read “Afton’s Story, parts one and two) My heart continues to break for you both and tears cannot be stopped…oh how I wish that life didn’t throw us so many curveballs! Your story has touched me in a way that has made me want to share your story with friends and family. Somehow I feel like I know you, hence my heartbreak for you. My prayers continue to include you both and will continue….May God bless you both and keep you in the palm of his hand today and always. Wishing you both a lovely weekend. (Is that OK to say, I wonder how you can have a lovely weekend, but nonetheless that is my wish for you. Warm hugs….
Thank you for the post!
Speechless by the sheer love shown and underlying pain these posts are presenting. Good job, indeed, mama. Remarkable spirits.
His perfect little feet 😭😍
Right? Love those toes.
In the classroom I have hung a plaque that says,”The world is waiting to hear your story.” Thank you so much, Lindsay and Bjork, for sharing your story of love and devotion that the world has waited for.
Thank you for sharing Afton with us. I feel so privileged to have peaked into his life. Thank you also for sharing your pain with the many moms, dads, grandparents, etc who have also experienced the loss of a child. Doing so helps them feel not quite so alone.
Still praying.
What a beautiful way to honor Afton’s memory and life. He is a precious angel now basking eternally in the love of his earthly parents and our Heavenly Father. Afton is truly blessed❤❤❤