Send all the balloons!
And all the help!
This little nugget is a BOY! 💙
Can you believe it? We’re so over the moon.
If all you wanted was the gender announcement, thank you for being here! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! You’re welcome to come back when I get normal with my emotions again which is probably never.
On the other hand, if you wanted to get into the detailed and emotional and borderline too deep perspective on all this (not that I know anything about that), then the rest of this post is for people like us. Carry on.
Boy Vs. Girl Vs. All My Feelings
Alright.
I know in my head that it was just a 50/50 chance and everything, but you guys, in my heart, I was just so sure it was a girl in there.
The weird thing is that I say “I was so sure” and I literally don’t even know what it means.
Excuse me, I was so sure it was a girl? Exactly HOW was I so sure? Because I did the ring over the stomach trick and got side-to-side movement? Because I was craving orange juice? Because we had a girl’s name picked out? I had zero reasons to be sure, other than maybe a little bit of wishing and hoping and a vague gut-level superstitious feeling.
It’s all good and probably, on some level, normal to have a feeling like that. But then this happens: you get so locked into your hopes and dreams and visions of the future that suddenly you are 100% certain that there could only ever be a girl baby coming into your life, and anything else feels like a little bit of a straying from the plan.
So when we saw that little boy (repeat: BOY) moving around on the 20 week ultrasound, there was first that pure awe and joy and completely breathtaking adoration of his little squirming baby body (seriously, it’s all so incredible, this alien-like miracle process), and then there was the hold-up-oh-my-gosh-it’s-a-BOY moment.
The first thing I said to Bjork when we left the ultrasound room was a smiling but slightly panicked: wait tho I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH A BOY.
Hello, Roller Coaster
At first, I felt sad. I felt like I was saying goodbye to the dream of the girl.
I know, I know. It was not a right or wrong feeling – it just WAS.
And I just had to sit with it for a minute.
As I processed through my feelings of not having a girl – saving that totally perfect baby girl’s name away for another little sweetie at some other time, and re-imagining my dream of dolls and dress up clothes all over my house with new dreams of trucks and cars and Legos – I realized that my feelings about having a boy actually had very little to do with our completely perfect baby who just happened to be a boy.
My feelings were about me.
And for the most part, they were not actually sad feelings.
They were FEARS. Fancy meeting you here, old friend.
As I talked this through with Bjork, I realized that at the root of my discomfort with having a boy was a fear that I wouldn’t know how to be a mom to a boy.
I mean, I still don’t know if I will know how to be a mom to a boy. I grew up as the oldest of three girls and that kind of girl life just makes sense to me. When I think about the boy life, my brain goes empty. Like… what do boys like to do? What do boys talk about and play with? And then come the insecurities: will I get excited about playing cars and trucks with him, or running around and playing baseball with him in the yard? Will I be able to relate to him as an adult?
Pause for a moment to say I absolutely recognize that I am making vast generalizations about gender. Of COURSE boys can and do play with dolls and kitchens and have tea parties. And of COURSE girls (my younger self included!) can and do like toy cars and playing baseball. And of COURSE every child is going to be their own unique self with their own unique interests anyway, no matter if they are a boy or girl.
But knowing that and believing it through and through still didn’t negate the feelings and fears that I had about my own abilities as I first imagined myself as a mom to a boy.
Wholehearted Living
Thankfully, time is pretty great with stuff like this, right?
And so are those first baby kicks that I’m starting to feel, and the opportunity – yes, opportunity! – I have to wear maternity leggings, and the deliciously adorable baby lumberjack flannel and suspenders outfits that we picked out at the mall like the dorky first-time parents that we are.
He’s real, and he’s a boy, and thanks to the magic of time and re-framing and thoughtful conversations, I actually kind of like the idea of this new normal. Would I still love to have a daughter someday? of course, yes. But in the meantime, I am kicking my fears (and shame about the fears) out to the curb. No time for that if we’re gonna be Wholehearted around here.
Where I’ve landed in these last few weeks feels honest and real and grateful:
I thought this baby was going to be a girl.
AND.
We love our healthy, happy little boy so much that it takes my breath away sometimes.
AND.
We want him to be exactly who he is, which is a precious soul of unsurpassable worth.
Those three things can all co-exist.
He’s already asking us to grow as parents by re-imagining our ideas about the future, even if it’s a simple question of boy vs. girl. And even though it’s such a small thing, my answer, even with an admittedly large collection of fears and insecurities about being a “boy mom”, is YES a thousand times, yes, yes, yes.
We love you and we like you, Baby Boy. ♡ Thanks for teaching us how to be better at life.
I said it in the last pregnancy post I wrote, but it’s worth saying again:
To you mamas who have been there – I’m so glad we can share our experiences. and thank you for creating a space that is non-judgemental and welcoming of all.
To you mamas who are still trying to get pregnant or recovering from loss – we see you, we love you, we’re cheering for you and your babies. ♡
To you readers who are in a completely different life space altogether but still show up to be friends on the internet – umm, you’re the best. XO
I will be back to the blog after Christmas! In the meantime, I hope you have too many cookies, a little nap by the fire, and a classically great holiday weekend.
You are —> love!! <3 so beautiful, so pure so real!!! XOXO
You look amazing!!!! Cutest belly ever. I echo the congrats again and again. And thank you for recognizing all the mommies who lost babies or have not conceived or are currently pregnant like myself with our “rainbow” babies. Pregnancy really teaches that each and every baby is truly a gift from above and a miracle. We’re having a boy too and are just about 2 weeks beyond you but mine is a rainbow baby after yet another painful miscarriage this summer. Infertility stinks but getting our miracle babies is a wonder from above.
Congratulations Lindsay and Bjork. Welcome to the great-adventure -with -no -map that is parenthood. I too am the eldest of 3 girls. I was convinced my first born was destined to be a girl but life had other plans. 21 years later I am the mother of two unspeakably wonderful adult boys. I cannot begin to tell you what a joy this unmapped journey has been. I wouldnt have it any other way.
LOL – the great adventure with no map! Yes to that, I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing your sweet story Peta!
Congratulations to the 3 of you! Our little boy is 6.5 months now and we had our 20 week ultrasound on New Year’s Eve last year. Originally I thought maybe there was a girl knocking around in there (my mom and MIL both had girls first), but as we got closer to the ultrasound date I got a feeling that there was a boy in there not based on any mother’s intuition, but for virtue of the fact that we had a girl name picked out but weren’t sure about what we would name him if the baby was a boy. Low and behold, I was right!
We had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of the gender reveal by the ultrasound tech, who confidently proclaimed we had a girl… only for our baby boy to protest in the womb by flipping himself around and showing off his downstairs goods clearly enough for even us parents to be certain we had a boy! It seriously looked like he got drunk at the office Christmas party and had xeroxed his butt and the family jewels!
I was actually relieved to have a boy and not a girl, although I had mixed emotions about him being a boy simply because my dad had died less than 2 weeks before that ultrasound. I’m a high school teacher who deals with nightmare hormonal girls on a daily basis and find boys easier to deal with at that age. We know that we want 2 kids and the thought of potentially having 2 hormonal teenaged girls at home at one point filled my heart with dread! So having that be a very small possibility put my mind at ease.
Enjoy the time getting to know him inside and outside the womb and congratulations again! <3
Congratulations to you and Bjork! We have 4 boys (and finally got a girl pup)! Tons of energy and noise around the house, and very low maintenance. I used to send them outside to run around the house a few times if their energy level got to be too much in the house ;). They eat a ton too – which is perfect for a food blogger!
Congratulations!!! This is so exciting. Even though I’m not quite ready to become a mom myself, I loved reading your feelings about it. So happy for you both!
Ahhh that’s so so exciting! Congrats!! You’re about to experience the so much love!!
Our first and only boy when he was 4 always wanted to play house and I was to pretend to be the baby. He would feed “the baby” and put me down for a nap. Then he would put supper on in the play kitchen. Then he would go out and chop wood or build a work shed or clean up the yard. When I would “pretend” cry he would rush back inside to take care of the baby’s needs. He “role acted” to be exactly like his dad — the man in his life. I have 2 girls. Little difference in activities whether we are playing cars/house, ice skating, bike riding, scooters, soccer, etc. As long as kids have the attention, instruction, and love of their parents, they thrive regardless of sex. So happy and excited for you.
This is so sweet. ❤️ Thank you Sheila!
Your writing is beautiful! So excited to follow along on this journey!
Gah! So happy for you! You are adorable.
I was 100% convinced my twins were girls. And I was over the moon pumped! Fast forward to having a little boy and let me just say, it rocks my world. Yes, he’s a little mama’s boy and yes, I love it so much. (We have a Daddy’s girl so it evens out).
You are in for the wildest ride of your life. It’s hard (just accept it) and exhausting in the most exhilarating way. Your heart is about to grow 1000x bigger. Enjoy every moment.
Aw this made me tear up a little bit. I’ve never been pregnant but I imagine all those feelings you’ve so eloquently described are perfectly normal. Congratulations to you and Bjork on your baby boy. Have a wonderful Christmas!
Yes. As a mm to two boys, I can tell you all the feelings are normal!! I totally had that moment of disappointment after I was sure it was a girl and then had it even harder after baby boy two. But I can tell you that baby boys are nothing to fear! They looooove so hard! They are super fun! And don’t listen to people when they tell you boy clothes aren’t as fun as girls clothes. My bank account would say otherwise! I never thought I would know every Thomas the Tank Engine character or be playing Monster Trucks in my basement but I also never thought I would love it as much as I do! Welcome to the boy club! You’re gunna love it!
Thanks Stefanie! 🙂 XXOO
Congrats! A baby is a true blessing- boy or girl- and you will be great. That being said, mom of 3 boys here, 3.5yr, 20 months, 1 month. While trucks, planes, blocks do seem like life some times, we do lots of art, all kinds of play pretend, and, of course, cooking. Yup- my princes will be getting a play kitchen for Christmas this year! Welcome to mommy hood (and boy world). You are going to love it!
I am a new momma to a 2 month old baby boy, and like you thought I was going to have a girl. We found out in the delivery room (old school) and honestly when my husband told me I was so exhausted and relieved labor was over I burst into tears of happiness, then it sunk in that my so-called maternal instincts were wrong. I will say the cliche is true, once you see your baby you experience a new kind of love. When I was pregnant I was also worried about how to be a “boy mom” but now I am just so excited to be HIS mom. To find out what kind of person he’ll be, what toys he’ll be drawn to, what books he’ll love. Every new stage makes my heart burst all over again (his first smile, first laugh) and I honestly get choked up thinking about his first words and first steps. I totally understand where you’re coming from and appreciate your honesty, but my experience is that during pregnancy I was so preoccupied with boy/girl and now that he’s here I just love THIS baby, my SON! (Still feels weird to type that btw). Sit with your feelings but don’t beat yourself up. Happy holidays, enjoy your time with Bjork and Sage before baby arrives.
I love this. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt comment Allison!
Congrats Lindsay!!! I’m the mama of 2 awesome little boys (3 and 6). I cannot tell you how perfectly your words summarized everything I felt when I found out the gender of my own babies, I just wasn’t able to explain it as eloquently, lol. Yes, I still want that little baby girl in my world, but mama to mama… little boys are AMAZING. As far as “not knowing what to do with them”.. just love them, you will figure out the rest!
Congratulations! I have 3 boys (14, 13, 10), and a girl (9) let’s just say cardio will never be an issue. 😀
HAHAHAHA best perk ever!
Hi Lindsay, and congratulations on the news of your little boy! We just had a scan yesterday at 35 weeks (it comes around really quickly, trust me!), and the sonographer told us to look away if we didn’t want to know the sex. We haven’t found out yet because hubby didn’t want to, so hubs looked away while I stared REALLY intently at that image trying to figure things out! Not 100% sure (how on earth do you know exactly what you’re looking at?), but I ‘think’ I saw pretty clear evidence of a BOY, too. Our instinct has always been that we’re having a boy, but like you I’m one of three girls and find the whole idea of a boy a very ‘new and interesting’ concept!
Congratulations again – on the baby, of course, but also on the extra excuse you’re now going to have to eat more for a few months!
Loved this post! With our first, I was (very secretly) hoping for a girl. I didn’t want to tell anyone in case we didn’t have a girl and I didn’t want people feeling bad for me. Go you, for owning those feelings! We ended up having a boy (didn’t know until he was born). And I have to tell you – OMG. Being the mom of a boy is AMAZING. We also have two girls now and my little boy is my sweet, snuggly, mama lover. He is 5 now and I just love every minute with him. You will find so many ways to bond and enjoy time with him. I feel all excited for you that you get to discover how great it is having a son. Congratulations, and enjoy!!
Congratulations!! Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband and I are a few years out from kids but when I envision my future it’s always with a little girl. Not getting that someday would be tough but also super exciting in a totally new adventure kind of way!
I can totally relate to that feeling. I was SO sure we were having a boy (I’m 21 weeks), and we found out we’re having a girl and my husband and I were floored (this will be the 2nd girl in 100 years on his side of the family). I was mentally prepared for boy, and felt such conflicting feelings when we heard girl. Joy she is healthy but so many fears because girls are very different from boys (the teenage years terrify me if she is as dramatic and hormonal as I was during that time frame). I so get what you’re feeling since we had it too when we found out.
I SOOOOO relate to how you feel. I have three boys and on little girl. My last pregnancy was boy/girl twins, so the girl was last. When I was pregnant with my first son, I felt exactly as you described. But let me tell you, I LOVE BEING A BOY MOM! My boys are so sweet and over the moon about their mama! There is nothing sweeter than a mama and her boy relationship. Welcome to the world of boy mom! It’s the best!
Disclaimer, having a girl is pretty great too.
Oh Lindsay! I’ve been a faithful reader for about 3 years now. Over those years, you’ve taught me a lot about cooking and a lot about life and loving others. Since I started reading your blog I became a wife and now have a tiny little baby boy of our own ( born in October). I feel so blessed by you and your words. You and Bjork are the perfect hand picked parents for your tiny boy. Only you could parent him so well! I have full faith in you guys!! May God bless you richly on this journey! It’s so fun having a little buddy around all the time!!
Merry Christmas you guys!
Misty eyed over here, thank you Roslyn!
Congrats! I am in my 3rd trimester with my second boy (boy #1 is 18 months) and over the moon to be having another. I’m very outnumbered now with my husband, my son, the dog (a boy), and baby to be – but really boys are great. Don’t worry about traditional gender stuff, just do what comes naturally and you will be a great mom to your son! I’ve enjoyed your blog for a few years now and am excited to see you sharing this new part of your life. Your writing and pictures are beautiful. Wishing you all the best this holiday season!
Enjoy the holidays!!
Congrats! I’m expecting at the end of January. The sex of the baby is going to be a surprise, but I’ll admit I’ve had to fight the urge to think of the baby as a boy. I had a whole bunch of vivid dreams at the beginning of my pregnancy, and in every single one the baby was a boy. Plus, I’m practically a walking billboard for all the boy-pregnancy stereotypes (carrying narrow, craving salty food, minimal morning sickness, etc.).
But I have to keep reminding myself that none of this is actually PROOF. I keep thinking how funny it would be if the baby turns out to be a girl. Maybe she’ll grow up to be a spy! ^.^
I have both a boy and a girl and I had no morning sickness with the girl and lots with the boy. I also craved salty foods with the girl not the boy. I say you are having a girl. Let me know in the comments after you give birth. I am curious now.
Will do! 🙂
THANK YOU for writing all of this. I don’t have kids yet but I know when I do that…I’m going to want a girl so bad. And I want boys too! But like…I know how girls work? And I have all these fears that I don’t know what to do with boys so..yeah…all of this just speaks to me. And it makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone and it’s ok and those fears can exist while also still WANTING to have a little boy and loving him…so yeah. To sum up: you’re amazing and CONGRATULATIONSSSS!