Send all the balloons!
And all the help!
This little nugget is a BOY! 💙
Can you believe it? We’re so over the moon.
If all you wanted was the gender announcement, thank you for being here! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! You’re welcome to come back when I get normal with my emotions again which is probably never.
On the other hand, if you wanted to get into the detailed and emotional and borderline too deep perspective on all this (not that I know anything about that), then the rest of this post is for people like us. Carry on.
Boy Vs. Girl Vs. All My Feelings
Alright.
I know in my head that it was just a 50/50 chance and everything, but you guys, in my heart, I was just so sure it was a girl in there.
The weird thing is that I say “I was so sure” and I literally don’t even know what it means.
Excuse me, I was so sure it was a girl? Exactly HOW was I so sure? Because I did the ring over the stomach trick and got side-to-side movement? Because I was craving orange juice? Because we had a girl’s name picked out? I had zero reasons to be sure, other than maybe a little bit of wishing and hoping and a vague gut-level superstitious feeling.
It’s all good and probably, on some level, normal to have a feeling like that. But then this happens: you get so locked into your hopes and dreams and visions of the future that suddenly you are 100% certain that there could only ever be a girl baby coming into your life, and anything else feels like a little bit of a straying from the plan.
So when we saw that little boy (repeat: BOY) moving around on the 20 week ultrasound, there was first that pure awe and joy and completely breathtaking adoration of his little squirming baby body (seriously, it’s all so incredible, this alien-like miracle process), and then there was the hold-up-oh-my-gosh-it’s-a-BOY moment.
The first thing I said to Bjork when we left the ultrasound room was a smiling but slightly panicked: wait tho I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH A BOY.
Hello, Roller Coaster
At first, I felt sad. I felt like I was saying goodbye to the dream of the girl.
I know, I know. It was not a right or wrong feeling – it just WAS.
And I just had to sit with it for a minute.
As I processed through my feelings of not having a girl – saving that totally perfect baby girl’s name away for another little sweetie at some other time, and re-imagining my dream of dolls and dress up clothes all over my house with new dreams of trucks and cars and Legos – I realized that my feelings about having a boy actually had very little to do with our completely perfect baby who just happened to be a boy.
My feelings were about me.
And for the most part, they were not actually sad feelings.
They were FEARS. Fancy meeting you here, old friend.
As I talked this through with Bjork, I realized that at the root of my discomfort with having a boy was a fear that I wouldn’t know how to be a mom to a boy.
I mean, I still don’t know if I will know how to be a mom to a boy. I grew up as the oldest of three girls and that kind of girl life just makes sense to me. When I think about the boy life, my brain goes empty. Like… what do boys like to do? What do boys talk about and play with? And then come the insecurities: will I get excited about playing cars and trucks with him, or running around and playing baseball with him in the yard? Will I be able to relate to him as an adult?
Pause for a moment to say I absolutely recognize that I am making vast generalizations about gender. Of COURSE boys can and do play with dolls and kitchens and have tea parties. And of COURSE girls (my younger self included!) can and do like toy cars and playing baseball. And of COURSE every child is going to be their own unique self with their own unique interests anyway, no matter if they are a boy or girl.
But knowing that and believing it through and through still didn’t negate the feelings and fears that I had about my own abilities as I first imagined myself as a mom to a boy.
Wholehearted Living
Thankfully, time is pretty great with stuff like this, right?
And so are those first baby kicks that I’m starting to feel, and the opportunity – yes, opportunity! – I have to wear maternity leggings, and the deliciously adorable baby lumberjack flannel and suspenders outfits that we picked out at the mall like the dorky first-time parents that we are.
He’s real, and he’s a boy, and thanks to the magic of time and re-framing and thoughtful conversations, I actually kind of like the idea of this new normal. Would I still love to have a daughter someday? of course, yes. But in the meantime, I am kicking my fears (and shame about the fears) out to the curb. No time for that if we’re gonna be Wholehearted around here.
Where I’ve landed in these last few weeks feels honest and real and grateful:
I thought this baby was going to be a girl.
AND.
We love our healthy, happy little boy so much that it takes my breath away sometimes.
AND.
We want him to be exactly who he is, which is a precious soul of unsurpassable worth.
Those three things can all co-exist.
He’s already asking us to grow as parents by re-imagining our ideas about the future, even if it’s a simple question of boy vs. girl. And even though it’s such a small thing, my answer, even with an admittedly large collection of fears and insecurities about being a “boy mom”, is YES a thousand times, yes, yes, yes.
We love you and we like you, Baby Boy. ♡ Thanks for teaching us how to be better at life.
I said it in the last pregnancy post I wrote, but it’s worth saying again:
To you mamas who have been there – I’m so glad we can share our experiences. and thank you for creating a space that is non-judgemental and welcoming of all.
To you mamas who are still trying to get pregnant or recovering from loss – we see you, we love you, we’re cheering for you and your babies. ♡
To you readers who are in a completely different life space altogether but still show up to be friends on the internet – umm, you’re the best. XO
I will be back to the blog after Christmas! In the meantime, I hope you have too many cookies, a little nap by the fire, and a classically great holiday weekend.
As a mom and grandma of both girls and boys let me tell you boys are so much fun. They love “adventures ” and being active just like me and guess what, they think I’m perfect!!!! The girls, not so much,lol
Wow…first off, let me say that I am praying for you and Bjork and little peanut as I just read your post tonight about the difficulties.
Secondly, I can say that I totally understand everything you wrote in this post. It sounds almost identical to my story except that while I couldn’t quite decide on a girl’s name, I was the baby of three girls and also was convinced I was going to have a girl!
Now I am “mom” to my sweet sixteen year old, Jonathan Samuel (named after his great grandfather on my side and his grandfather on his dad’s side), and I wouldn’t trade his for the world!!
He’s my own personal “Sheldon Cooper” and he isn’t crazy…I had him tested! 😉
I’ve been following your blog since 2012 and you’ve been an inspiration to me even though I haven’t quite yet been able to keep the ball rolling on my blog!
Good luck, rest lots and I hope that “peanut” rests easy too!
Yes. I’ve got a now 19-month old son and this was me. All of it. I couldn’t imagine myself a mother of a boy and now I can’t imagine any other way. He didn’t grow well in utero, was premature, and we both had some complications. God saw us through it and I am praying the same for you- Lindsay, Bjork, and baby boy.
I felt the same way when I found out we were expecting a boy. I had convinced myself we were having a little girl. However I will tell you this my little almost 5 year old is the best cuddlier and loves to snuggle with his momma. I’ve learned to accept the constant talk of cars, trains, and all things that move fast because he is mine and a part of me.
Congratulations, Lindsay and Bjork!! You two will be amazing parents! So happy for you!
A million congrats to you and Bjork! How exciting! Welcome to parenthood! It is the hardest, best, most exciting, scariest, tiring and most fulfilling job in the world! Oh my that is a mouthful! I have a boy and a girl and feel so blessed as a Mom! You’re baby bump looks absolutely beautiful and I love those super cute outfits! I can’t wait to see more pics of your family! I wish you many blessings and good health! I know there will an abundance of love in your home! No doubt about that!
There is a reason boys are often called “mommy’s boys”. I have 2 boys and a girl, and my boys love me like nothing else. Congratulations!
So excited for you guys! My boy is ccrraazzyyy!!! ha! Prepare to run run run 😉 Happy Holidays!
As a boy mom (and girl mom), I can tell you boys and girls are both so different and wonderful in their own unique ways. That boy will bring so much fun and laughter, and he’ll love you like there’s no tomorrow!
And definitely don’t worry about not knowing what you’re doing…most of us don’t, and God has a way of delivering just what’s needed at the time you need it, regardless of how much we’d like to be well prepared in advance! 😉 Surround yourself with 3 types of moms to guide you – those who’re where you are, those who are just a step or two ahead of you, and those who are a few life seasons down the road. I’ve benefitted so much from the different types of wisdom and experience that ladies in each of those categories brings to my mothering. And follow your husband’s lead. Especially with my boy, I’ve found that my husband is the best guide to understanding what he’s thinking, feeling, and needing as he grows. God’s blessings on your growing family! <3
Congrats! Mom of 2 boys here. Same feelings of loss of a dream and mild panic when I found out the sex of each baby (even though or maybe BECAUSE I grew up between two brothers) . The second time was easier than the first even though I knew that would also be my last baby. I called my older son my girl-boy for a long time because he didn’t meet my pre-conceived ideas of what a boy would be like. My younger son has been been more typically ‘boyish’ but mostly I don’t think of them in terms of gender anyway. Now they are 15 and 9 and they are amazing mixtures character traits I recognize in myself and/or other family members and other traits that are solely their own. Enjoy the discovery process with your little blessing!
Lindsay, I am a long time reader and was overjoyed for you when I saw your pregnancy announcement. I have loved following along with you on your journey, especially because I have a one-year-old and SO remember the happy time you’re experiencing right now. So firstly, thank you for sharing this huge piece of your life with all of us!
Secondly. I wept when I read this post because you beautifully captured all the feelings I had when I found out that I was having a boy instead of a girl. I remember feeling ashamed and guilty that I felt sadness at the loss of the idea of a daughter, and I remember feeling alone with that shame and guilt. This post has given me a voice (or, the me at that time!). I literally nodded along as I read, recalling that moment in the ultrasound room when my whole vision of my future changed. I immediately told my husband about your post, and I exclaimed, “it’s JUST like how I felt! I’m not the only one!”
One final thought: It took me about a week to embrace the idea of a son. And once he arrived, he instantly became my world. Now, as we start to think about our second, I can’t imagine having a girl! I want another little boy. Isn’t it funny how these tiny people help us grow so much? I know that you and your husband will love your little one as much as we love our Oscar. Thank you for writing about this! From the bottom of my heart- I hear you, I see you, and you are not alone in this process! Congrats!
What a sweet comment. Thank you Audrey! Love the name Oscar, too! 😉
I feel you mama! I had my first little one this May, a boy and felt all those fears last year at this time. All your worries will fade the moment you see his little face. Its going to be amazing. and really.. we all just pretend to know what we’re doing anyway 🙂
Congratulations! What a wonderful time you are entering! I wish I could do it all over again 🙂 I had 6 boys before I ever had a girl. ( I ended up with 8 boys and 3 girls). Rearing 8 boys gave me many opportunities to ask my husband “Is this normal?” “Do boys really have to climb trees higher than the house?” And many other things. Enjoy the journey!
Beautiful post. Congratulations to your family. Three boys and a girl for me–what I know is that as soon as you hold him in your arms, you won’t be able to imagine him being anybody but who he is.
I can’t wait for that moment. 🙂 Thanks Michele!
Congratulations to you both ;-)))
I am a mum of twin boys. I can guarantee that you will love it!
Boys love outdoors so do you and they will be the way you are. Mine love being in the kitchen. They are 4 and they can tell you the ingredients to make pancakes, they know how to crack eggs without making a mess and they can even recognize some ingredients only by the smell of me cooking them!!!
That little bundle of joy is going to turn your life up side down though 😉 in the best way.
Enjoy your pregnancy it is such a special time xxx
This little boy is going to love YOU, his mama, so much you will be beside yourself and completely overcome. Little boys love their mamas. You are truly blessed and I am so excited for the joy that is waiting for you on the other side of your pregnancy. You just cannot even imagine!!!
Speaking of “Worth repeating,” bet you get
the hot tub, now.
bp
I know EXACTUALLY how you feel! I felt the same way when I was pregnant. The feeling of ‘i dont know how to be a mom to a boy’ and ‘can you Love and bit the same as a girl’. Then he came out and i can wholehearted say…every fear vanished like smoke! I now have two amazing boys who I love more than the universe.. ish…
Good luck with everything/ lots of Love from Sweden
I was right where you are just two years ago! I was so scared of having a boy because I was raised with all sisters. But, boys are so fun and you will love being a mom to a little boy! Congratulations on your little bundle of joy, and have fun buying all the cute boy outfits. 🙂
Wow. Congratulations Lindsay for the blessings that God gave you =) We’ll be looking forward to more pregnancy posts =)
Congratulations! That little lumberjack outfit is SO adorable!!!
Dear Lindsay,
I love your blog. I’ve been reading it for a long time and tell everyone about it. I’m also a 4th grade teacher in Maryland. I love it so much! I’m a mother of 3 and definitely in a different phase of my life with a 13, 11, and 8 year old… boy, girl, boy. I’m so excited for you. I just feel like I know you and love reading your open and honest posts about life, food, love, kitchens, etc. (I just redid my kitchen as well). Enjoy this magical time in your life. Words cannot even describe it. Motherhood continues to surprise, challenge, excite, worry, and invigorate me in so many ways. Best of luck to you and I will keep on reading about your journey!
Xoxo xoxo
I so understand this. Except it was the opposite. I was sure I was having a boy. And I cried when I found out it was a girl. Thankfully not in the ultrasound…but out in the parking lot. And I also realized it was fears that mostly had to do with me and my own insecurities. But now that she’s here I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
Hey guys (esp. mommy to be – little bit all about her, the vessel, at the moment, but lots of feels for the baby daddy too!) I was 100% positive my first baby was a boy, also had him named, also found out I was having a girl instead! So opposites but same and no complaints, you will have a blast and be great at being a mom! And OMG that owl outfit, well really all the outfits are just so… what? perfect?adorable? precious? Yes and more yes! Congratulations to you and your entire extended family! It looks like your baby is going to have quite a wonderful life 💙
Congratulations! How exciting that it’s a boy. And what adorable little outfits. I have two boys myself, a two and a half year old and a almost-two week old. The phrase “mommy’s little boy” is so true for us. There’s nothing that compares to the relationship between me and my sons. I could relate all too well to what you said about thinking it was a girl, expecting a girl, and wanting a girl. I felt the exact same way both pregnancies, but especially this second one where my symptoms were so different (morning sickness must mean it’s a girl, right? Wrong!). My husband and I were disappointed when we saw the gender reveal ultrasound, especially since we had already chosen a name for our daughter. But we got used to the idea with time and then our baby boy was born and he’s perfect and wonderful and I love him more than anything. Maybe third time’s the charm for us and we’ll get our girl next time. But for now I am so very happy and know that you will be too. Baby boys are wonderful! Congratulations again.