This post is part of a ten-post series I’m sharing about the life and loss of our son, Afton. Click here to read more of Afton’s story.
I think it was on Sunday, the day we lost Afton, that my nurses gently suggested I take a shower. I’d been on bedrest, unshowered, for five days. 😳 I knew it was necessary but the idea of it made me so heartsick.
Soap, water. Getting clean. Leaving him behind. No, no, no, this is all wrong.
That shower is one of my most vividly painful and brave memories of January 1, 2017: me, sitting on a chair in the shower, weak from surgery, and Bjork sitting just outside the shower because it was too emotionally scary for me to do alone. We breathed in the steam and wept and took that first step towards our new normal. Towards life after Afton.
I started easy: my feet. Then my legs. My arms, my belly, my face. As I got closer to my chest, that sacred place right over my heart where Afton had taken his last breath, the knot in my stomach tightened. “He’s deeper than my skin,” I cried over and over and over. We both nodded, pretending to be brave as I sprayed hot water over the spot where Afton had been snuggled in so close, my first and last physical touch point with my living baby boy.
After I showered, a grief counselor knocked on the door. She sat on the edge of my bed and cried with us. Then she suggested something awesome: picking a smell for Afton. She told us to choose a scent that we could put on his tiny body and clothes that we would remember as “his smell,” even after ten thousand more showers.
The day before he was buried, our sweet Afton got a royal lavender treatment – candles, soap, lotion, oil, the works. He was tucked into his casket smelling like peaceful lavender, mom and dad’s kisses, and grandma’s blanket, complete with a few stray Sage hairs between the yarn.
It’s been 25 days since that shower, and it’s almost to the point where the scent of my lavender lotion is starting to catch me off guard. And it’s so amazing. I think: oh, there he is again! 💙 My little Afton, almost as close as skin on skin.
You’re deeper than my skin, sweet baby. All the showers in the world could never wash you off.
Not too many years later I am reading your blog. My sons and DIL lost our precious granddaughter at 16 weeks. I lost our first baby at 6-8 weeks. Time has healed. We know one day we will see them again. Our greatest loss was almost 15 years ago. March…our 30 year old son died. Yes, 15 years and sometimes I am flooded with the depth of losing him. But the smell of him. I kept his cologne in the cabinet. It is still there. And when I need him close…I go and smell deeply. Knowing one day we will all be together. Blessings to you all. Thank you for sharing your journey in the raw honesty of profound love and loss.
Thanks for sharing your story, Kathleen. ❤️
Oh, this is just heartbreaking. I’ve spent the morning sobbing over this beautiful boy and the amazing people that helped make his short time so loved. He is so peaceful and sweet in those photos, so cute!!! 😍 Rest in peace Afton.
I lost my four month old daughter in August. I’m terribly sorry that you’ve lost your sweet Afton; this is a pain I’d never wish on anyone. I wanted to share one thing that’s eased my pain a bit, in the hopes that it might help you, too. Afton will literally always be with you: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/10/26/449966350/fetal-cells-may-protect-mom-from-disease-long-after-the-babys-born
I cried reading this post, cried for how your heart must be broken. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful precious baby boy. Just want to share a quote I read somewhere that I think is relevant. “For the rest of my life I will look for moments that are full of you.” Moments like smelling lavender. Thank you for sharing your story!
He is beautiful. Perfect. Your story encapsulates so much love and emotion and my heart just aches for you. Praying for your sweet family.
one thing I will tell you: God will bless your life soo many kids that you will forget all of the grief. I had two miscarriages before my first baby arrived. I and my husband decided to have only 3 babies, but God recently blessed with baby # 4. Back 8 years ago, I wouldn’t believe that I would have 8 kids. but God blessed us and HE will bless you, just patience…
Thanks for sharing. You just don’t realize that it is a huge testimony for everyone whose reading your blog either christian or not. May Lord bless you
These were very beautiful words. I love how you speak of your son. I can’t imagine what it is like to go through what you did but the way you came back from it and surrounded yourself in love says so much of your heart. He will always be a part of you, every day, every where you go in life. It is just a beautiful thing that you know that. I have a lot of respect for you and your strength.
Lindsey and Bjork- I have now read (and re-read, if I am being honest) all of the entries of your sad, but beautiful story. I had to come back to “the shower” entry to place my comments, as this particular entry really touched me. First, I would like to say that your baby Afton was absolutely adorable! Just so darned cute! I’m glad you got such great photos with him. Just keep looking at that precious face when the going gets rough. Surely he will make you smile. Secondly, I would just like to express my deepest sympathy to the two of you on this tragic loss. Although I have no experience in a loss like this, through your words I now understand much better just how devastating the loss of an infant is. Thank you for sharing the intimate details of your journey. Any time we learn more about another person’s loss journey, we become better equipped to respond to those grieving in a more helpful manner. So, while I’m sure writing this story has been helpful to you, you are actually helping others in the process. Precious Afton- may you rest in peace. And may your memory forever be a sweet spot in the lives of your parents. Take care guys….
what a beautiful but sad story I wish I could read it from the beggining. God Bless and be with you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. My heart aches for you.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. You two are a beacon for us all to follow. Yes, God loves you, and Yes, God is crying along with you! If I didn’t believe that, I would have no hope!!! Thank you for reminding me of that. Wisdom, Hope, Strength, Love, and Patience–I send them all to you!!!
So beautiful – the wise guidance of the counselor! Tears and prayers!
My heart goes out to you. For us, it’s been 11 years of grief, finally filtered with loving memories, our way of keeping alive her brief life. Keep strong and hold each other tightly till you can emerge from the dark forest of grief & misery.
Thank you Jay. 💙
It is clear this child was loved more in a few days than many are in a lifetime. What wonderful parents. God bless you and your family.
You are an incredibly strong woman. Reading that post is just hardbreaking and I can’t believe what you have been through. I admire your strenght.
You are so brave to share this! And I’m so very, very sorry for your loss. Wishing you both so much strength and light whilst you grieve.
Every one of your posts about little Afton brings me to tears. Although it is sad I am so happy that you are sharing your experience and grief with others. That is so important. Know that so many are thinking of you and your family.
You are such a strong mama. I’m sitting here bawling thinking of what you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing your story. Many hugs and prayers your way. 😘
wishing you comfort, comfort, comfort in this tremendous time of pain.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so brave to share, your love for your son shines through every word of your story. Sending you hugs and prayers from Germany.
What a beautiful way to remember him. My Grandma always smelled like lavender and whenever I smell it it’s like she’s saying hello. I hope the scent gives you the same peace reminding you your precious little one is always there.
You are doing such a beautiful, brave thing by writing these posts. I’m a nurse in a NICU, and so often I feel the grief gets passed over too quickly as people go back to “normal life”.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Your writing is excellent and the pictures are so personal! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for what you do for those tiniest little patients. 💙 I’m sure you see great joys and great heartbreak and I can imagine that it is an extremely difficult job. From experience I can say that you truly have a life-shaping impact on the families you come into contact with. Carry on warrior.
You have reduced the profound silence that sometimes occurs after the loss of one so young. Others will be able to speak because of you.
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your healing journey.
Bjork and Lindsay, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I think about you every day. Your writing is profoundly touching and beautiful. Hugs.