I thought I might have some big idea for “the one year,” but it was October, and then it was November, and then it was December, and now it’s here and I don’t have anything.
I mean, I guess I do have a few things, they’re just not what I thought they’d be. I have a somehow-still-beating heart that can feel him in the soft December snowflakes, and in a cozy snuggle with Sage. Or ears that can hear him in the rustle of fall leaves on trees, and in his dad’s crazy laugh. Or eyes that see him in every winter sunset, and in the tiny glow of a candle. I have under-eye circles that are darker and puffier, shoulders that feel heavier, and a soul that feels literally 100 years old. But that’s okay. I am a better person because of these scars. Moms carry the weight of love like that.
So no, I don’t really have a big special plan for today, his birthday. I only have a deep bank of love for him that won’t ever run out, and actually, that’s probably enough. That’s a big enough thing. That’s the only big thing there is.
Happy 1st Birthday to my baby in heaven.
Me and your dad and Sagey – we love you so much.
I’m just so proud to be your mama. I wouldn’t have wanted any other baby but you.
PS. I shared some of your cake with RoonToons. She’s into it.
To all of our beautiful blog readers, friends in real life, friends on the internet: Thank you for loving us through this brutal year. And thank you for loving our precious son, an irreplaceable person of unsurpassable worth, Afton Bjork Ostrom.
If you would like to help us celebrate Afton, we would love it if you would light a candle for our sweet boy on his birthday. ♡
Happy late Birthday, dear Afton! Carson turned 14 on your birthday and we talked about you yesterday. We always remember you every year on this day and say a prayer for you and your mom and dad and family! We love you and are so thankful for your mom and dad helping so many people and Carson and I feel all the time how much they love you! Love, Jennifer and Carson Reidy
It’s been 4 years since you wrote this post so I’m not sure if you’ll see this. Anyways, I found your blog with the Mac N Cheese post. Saw a comment from someone about baby loss and had to find and read your story! Wow, we have so much in common. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet baby boy! I too lost my son Jesus at 23 weeks premature. That was back in 2009 and he only lived 11 minutes. 1lb 4.28oz and 11.5in long. I also live in Minnesota and am a (childcare) teacher and a dog mom. Also “trying” to start a blog. You are soo inspiring to me! Thank you for sharing your story!! ❤️
Thought of Afton today and remembering him on his birthday! Wishing you love, happiness and peace as you miss him one year more.
We lost our 6th child last august…a day after his due date. I still don’t always believe it, but reading this brings some grief tears in a good kind of way. Thank you for sharing your story. It always feels better to know (even though I would NEVER wish this on others) that I’m not alone in loss.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but proud of you for sharing with others…I lost my first son when he was 4 months old to SIDS. I also lost my first daughter when she was 18 to a disability she was born with…she died 20 years after my first. They both are saving a place for me in heaven and helped me to care for another daughter born with disability…she is waiting for a kidney right now. After caring for my kids with disability, I went back to school and became a special educator. I now teach adults living with disability and enjoy incredible days at a job I love.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
I’m just so very, very sorry for your loss
Dearest Lindsay,
I can’t imagine how many comments you’ve had in response to this glorious story of your sweet Afton. It’s close to the end of 2019 now, and your chicken gnocchi recipe on Pinterest lead me to your story this morning. That was almost an hour ago. I took the long route. The scenic route. The one that lead me through your posts about Afton’s life. I have nothing magical to tell you now that I’m here. I just knew that I couldn’t just simply leave. You put all of this out there for us to share with you and Bjork, and I just wanted you to know that years later, we are still sharing your beautiful little boy’s life with you. He counts. He matters. He’s a part of things that are living and breathing which can only mean he’s still living in his way. You allowed that to happen by sharing your preciously written tale of life and love and loss and love and pain and love. I have never suffered a loss like yours, as I have three amazing boys, now 16, 21 and 24. I need you to know that Afton’s tiny life made me look at my grown beautiful boys and be extra grateful. Tiny Afton has spread into so many lives because of you sharing him. Thank you for sharing your gift with us.
Respectfully,
Carey Cannon
Dear Lindsay, Bjork, Sage and Afton…This is my first time on your site and I want to tell you that sharing your news about your precious baby Afton brought tears to my heart. My deepest condolences to your family. May God keep you all in His heart and blessings. I also live in Minnesota ( Beaver Township, Aitkin County) God Bless You! Gerry Altrichter
I’ve just come across your site and am going to make your almond butter cups. I’m from Minnesota too and live in the UK. I’ve just read about Afton, what a beautiful blog about him. Cant wait to see the rest of your site!
Oh my goodness. God bless you Mama. This made me want to make everything alright for you. You know, the magic wand, right? Yeah. I don’t have one. You are so right though, to say that a mama’s love grows through the pain (and I’m paraphrasing of course). You, by now, have your precious baby girl and I know that you’re able to love her even more than you could have without the heartbreak of losing your little angel, Afton.
I’m a grandmother now. A 50 something year old (emphasis on OLD) mother whose heart was broken 9 times with sometimes mid pregnancy miscarriage and countless other losses. I’ve never experienced what you have though. I was never able to hold any of my angels. It took some doing but finally I was able to have 3 biological daughters of my own and you know what? God has blessed me SO SO SO much with other children too. Children who for one reason or another needed a mother and I was it for them. One of these “adopted” daughters has given me a grandson (who’s a month old and who’s with me overnight once a week!). My life is full now but there was a day I’d wondered what was in the cards for me.
So I stumbled on your site accidentally, really. I was looking for an instapot chicken recipe and I almost NEVER read these food blogs! Something made me want to read yours though and well, here I am! I’ve ugly cried already when I read about precious Afton. I felt those old feelings all over again. Maybe that’s what God intended OR maybe I was just supposed to tell you that there will be days you won’t want to get out of bed. On the flipside, there will be days where everything seems clear and you’ll feel like life is beautiful. Hang in there and keep your eyes open for all those strange little blessings or miracles that WILL be yours (and with the birth of your daughter, it’s only just begun!). Life is a crazy, gut wrenching , beautiful place to be. You already know that pain has a way of making you feel the “wonderful” even more deeply than you would have. I wish it didn’t have to be that way though. (((HUGS))) I’m sending so much love to your little family…. positive vibes and a prayer that you feel the sunshine more than you feel the rain!
Oh Lindsay,
As I read your blog post about your loss and the one year birthday of your precious little man, I sobbed. I cried no only for you but it brought back a flood of memories for me. Let me explain.
I am the mother of 5 but only one living. That’s right. I have lost 4 precious little ones. I lost 3 and then God blessed me with my amazing and beautiful daughter, Britne Lynn! I will forever call her ‘Mommy’s little miracle’! I had to go thru 2 surgeries and all kinds of fertility procedures to get her here and I almost lost her but I was blessed. God knew I would need her in the years to come! She was, has been and will forever be my biggest blessing in life! I count myself not only lucky but beyond blessed to have her. She is now 28 1/2 years old and has made me one proud momma! When she was in the first grade I lost another one. I reached an all time low in my life. It was horrible. I didn’t care if I lived or died. The only ‘thing’ that kept me going was my beautiful Britne.
I love for the day when I get to meet my littles. My life will forever be imcomplete until I do. I am so so sorry for what you and your hubby had to go thru. It’s totally gut wrenching and it leaves such a HUGE hole in your heart.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I believe there is a very special place in Heaven for mommies who have lost babies before their time.
Heart is absolutely breaking reading about Afton. Your love is still with him and somehow, someway he knows it. I cannot say I ever experienced such a loss.i don’t know that I could stay so strong. I wish you all the best and thakyou for sharing such a personal story.
She’s so cute . What an adorable birthday party with nice friend.
I know this is super random, but I was watching the news (weather) yesterday saw that they had an Afton, NY and immediately thought of you & your sweet Afton. Sending happy thoughts your way! I hope the sun is shining where you are and he is reminding you of how much he loves you!
My daughter is getting married June 2. Sweet Afton is her processional song. I will be a wreck.
I know I’m a little late on this post… but my God Lindsay you continue to blow me away with your incredible way with words. Your heart and your 100 year old soul speak perfection so eloquently. I have watched your journey from the time you got pregnant until now, and my heart has hung with you every single day in a way I can’t explain!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us, he is indeed the most perfect little Afton there ever will be.
I think your commemoration is just right, because you did it in your own way. Sending a million hugs every day from NC!
“Moms carry the weight of love like that…” Incredibly beautiful, raw, heart-breaking. Peace.
Happy Birthday, Afton. I hope my sweet baby, Charlotte, is up there celebrating with you. You’re two very loved babies that were gone too soon. xo
I don’t have the right words, and I don’t know that there are right words, but the way you write about your sweet Afton captures the way I feel about my sweet Lucy, who was born and died on April 24, 2016, and who made my heart expand and explode in ways I never knew possible. He is clearly so beloved – thank you for sharing him with us.
You are all in my thoughts today:
Afton, Lindsay, Bjork and Sage.
Lots of sunny love
from South-Africa
Happy birthday a bit late, Afton.
I stumbled on your blog today from a recipe posted on My Fitness Pal. One moment I was logging my breakfast, and now two hours later I am surfacing from immersion in your family tragedy. I don’t know if it feels this way to you, but it seems like you are finding your footing and learning how to live gracefully in the world of After. I am thinking of you and Bjork and your sweet Afton, and I have a candle in my heart for all of you.
I am thinking of you and your family. May time ease your pain. I will light a candle for Afton.
Thinking of you and praying for continued peace and understanding. I love your heart and openness of your life and the gift that you give all of us through your blog. You are an inspiration. I learn so much from you and your family. Love and hugs for an amazing 2018.
I have been so moved by your story and your sweet baby. I too lost my sweet baby Faith much too soon, and I remember not knowing how to commemorate or celebrate her life as the one-year anniversary rapidly approached. I am really touched by your words here.
Happy 1st birthday sweet little angel. Mommy, daddy and sage love you. <3