Sometimes I feel more connected to the blog, and sometimes less connected, and this week is one of those times where I feel less connected just because of the rhythms – ahem, summer pace – of life. House projects, workshops, fake-out Sage emergencies, summer living, prioritizing ice cream runs and sunset walks over long work days… I know, right? You’ve got it going on, too.
It’s that mellow summer beat that is both slow and crazy, and it’s great.
This is exactly why I thought a little lunch date might do us nicely. A touch point. A summer catch-up. A slower pace of things in all of our lives. Also, I never turn down the opportunity to (virtually) talk and (real life) eat and (definitely real life) sip a little summer rosé all at the same time.
Speaking of rosé…. Frosé? are you guys all over that? Um, hello. This is exactly why we need to check in.
Workshops
Besides the blog, the other love in my life during these last few weeks in July has been workshops. She’s been competing for my time and energy, and I have absolutely given in. I love workshops, and I love love LOVE all the wonderful people who come to them from all over the United States. Even Canada sometimes. I honestly believe that the people who come to Pinch of Yum workshops are some of the nicest human beings on planet earth. The amount of positivity we get to see during workshops is overwhelming in the best possible way.
That’s not to say that workshops don’t have their moments – namely, when wifi goes down 30 minutes before the workshop and I call Bjork in a panic (code for GROUCH MODE), or when we make the muffin batter in advance only to find that in fact THEY TASTE LIKE MUSH when the batter rests overnight and so we must borrow eggs from a neighbor in order to remake them in a frenzy, or when I realize I’ve been teaching for 45 minutes with my “cool new choker” turned completely backwards and the tail hanging down in front – but that is small potatoes. Normalcy in my life. Psh. No big deal. Look at me, cool as a cucumber.
(Fact: I have never in my life been described as “cool as a cucumber.” What does it feel like to have that much chill? I will never know.)
So all that to say – workshops have been bomb.com. I am so grateful that this is a part of my job.
We will be launching fall workshops soon, so if you have a blog / want to have a blog / want to hang out and eat good food and take fun pictures, you should sign up to get notified when those open up.
House Projects
Annnnd our house is still a disaster. I would say it’s turned into more of a moderately cute disaster, but still.
We’re past the phase of plastic hanging up all over the place and dust in every crevice that you never even knew existed, but we’re now onto the phase that I call GLAMPING INDOORS.
Because we’re still waiting on a back-ordered bed frame, we have been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for the last few months, and we have various odds and ends of furniture laying around in every single room of the house. Somehow what should have been contained to the upstairs has exploded into the rest of our home and now every time I look around I see a minimum of five boxes and 500 hours of work. Because that’s how long it takes me to make decisions about where things should go and how to put a room together: 500 Literal Hours.
Thankfully we have friends like Bruno and Alicia (Curbly) and they are helping us put together a space that feels cohesive and cute and clean and not completely overwhelming from a decision-making perspective. We’re going shopping tomorrow together – all of us – four adults in the middle of the day on a Tuesday (WHY NOT) – because art is tiny bit scary for me. Hold my hand, please.
Health
Two things that are noteworthy on the health front.
- At a recent eye doctor appointment – just a regularly scheduled checkup – it was determined that something is not right with the oil glands (apparently these are important?) in my eyes. Um, sorry, WHAT? I’m 31, as in still basically a teenager. My eyes are struggling, but in an invisible, unbeknownst-to-me kinda way. So that has been a thing. Lots of appointments, lots of pamphlets, lots of googling. Not awesome, other than the warm eye mask I get to wear at night, doctor’s orders. And yes, this is becoming one of those letters you get from your grandma with a list of every health ailment suffered over the last two years and all the accompanying details such as wearing warm eye masks at night. Goodbye.
- In the better, anti-aging department, I AM RUNNING A 10 MILE RACE! In October! There was a decent stretch of time after Afton died that I thought I might never run again because the sadness and exhaustion was buried so deep in my bones. I mean that literally; I physically ached all over. But my friend and I have decided to do this 10-mile race together and I’m feeling excited and proud that my I have enough fight left in me to make it happen. I might have elderly eyes, but I’m still kicking, guys. Still kicking.
Summer Living
Bjork and I decided to put together a summer bucket list, and we have checked off exactly one of eight items on the list so far: Outdoor concert. Amos Lee. At the ZOO. It was awesome.
Still on the list:
- Grilling out with friends
- 1-day staycation
- Brewery tour
- St. Paul Saints game
- Cheesecake soft serve from the ice cream place by our house (REPEAT: CHEESECAKE SOFT SERVE)
- Weekend road trip
- Minnesota State Fair
Also on the list, honorary mention, is going to the cabin with my family. It’s something we do every summer (see here, and here, and way way way back here) and it’s the one time during the summer where I feel fully immersed in all the good Midwestern summer vibes: lakes, boating, mornings on the dock, mosquitos, binge-style book reading, campfires, games, and every possible variation of a s’more that you could ever imagine.
If I could transfer my entire personhood into a season of the year, it would be summer in the Midwest. The cabin is my zone.
And we are headed to the cabin soon! Which means the blog will be quiet for a while. I’ve realized that it’s not really a true vacation for me if I just have to work 10x harder to get everything scheduled in advance while we’re gone, so… can we just embrace the real-time type of blogging? It makes me all the more excited to get back to recipes and blog comments and posting after I spend a week off the grid.
But How Are You Really Doing?
That’s what a lot of people ask me. And they mean because of Afton. Because he died, and because I am still living, and because that combo is the worst.
I’m doing okay – I think that’s the most honest answer. Not really good, not really bad, just okay.
Some days I’m really sad. We went to a concert last night, and I spent a decent amount of time in the car on the way there just fighting back tears. For no reason. Well, other than THE ONE REALLY BIG REASON. But there was no sentimental, emotional connection or a clear reason why that particular night and that particular drive would have been sad. I mean, maybe because we drove by the hospital? Maybe because the music was feeling extra soulful? And maybe because grief has no rules. It just finds you wherever and whenever and takes over for a minute, or a day, or a week.
If I average out all the days, all the good and bad and up and down and all that other stuff, I would say I’m doing okay, and I’d define “okay” as surviving. Living. Finding good things in my life and loving those things, but never being “okay” with what happened.
I know acceptance is supposed to be the final stage of grief processing, and I can acknowledge the reality that it happened. My son died. I acknowledge that.
But acceptance? I don’t know. I really don’t think I’ll ever accept that I held my baby as he died in my arms. How can you?
When you see Bjork and I on the internet, doing our things, looking and sounding happy, it’s because we are happy. We really are. But we’re also deeply sad. We will never not be sad about this. We’re always going to be two things, forever.
So I guess as far as acceptance goes, that’s what I’m coming to accept – the duality of life moving forward.
I have found that doing things to honor Afton – and honor myself and my needs – have been really powerful in this season of my life. Examples: taking an actual vacation when we go to the cabin with my family. going to grief group and counseling. writing about Afton. walking or running or swimming or yoga every day (except I’ve only done yoga once – can that still count?). treating myself to ice cream cones.
And…
This is a totally anti-climactic way to tell you this, but it’s late and my overshare filters are gone so here’s your reward for reading this far: I’m also going to start a podcast. Or, I’d like to. I’m working on it. It’s in process. It’s my new side project.
WHAT! What is going on. I don’t know, it’s not like it’s a big announcement or anything – this is just me casually dropping it on our lunch date, like I would if you were sitting across from me with that glass of rosé.
TBD on all the details of the podcast – I mean, I have them, but they’re pretty messy in my head and I’m still getting sorted. So for now I’m just mentioning it, lunch-date style, in telling you that yes, I’m doing okay, and in my grief, I’m slowing down on some normal things and picking up other new things that are more and more meaningful to me. 💙 More to come on that.
So… what are you guys up to this summer? Anyone vacationing? Anyone reading anything binge-worthy? Anyone making awesome recipes that they want to tell me about so I can copy you when I cook for my family at the cabin?
Thanks for checking in. I love lunch dates and I love having the actual nicest blog readers in the world.
XO
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Reading this post super late but I love this lunch date! So glad to hear that you’re doing okay and that you’re finding things to love and bring you joy. And you totally deserve that summer vacation! Wishing you a fun filled summer! 🙂
The Anderson’s are right down the street, and would love to help you out with “grilling with friends” on your bucket list! We can be “new friends” who are sort of oldish friends? 🙂
I ADORE your “Afton” tattoo! Forever in Your Hearts, Forever Loved!
Glad you are doing okay.
http://beautifullyme.in/
Excited for the upcoming podcast! I love reading your posts, can’t wait to listen too!
Definitely on a white wine and Rosé kick!!! Have you tried Vinho Verde? It’s my current favorite for hot summer nights!
Hi there, Thanks for sharing amazing food and place ideas.
Lindsay I’m so glad to hear you’re knocking things off your summer bucket list. I truly love summer in the midwest too… and just the midwest in general 🙂 I really hope to make it to one of your next photography workshops!! And, I think it would be the awesomest thing ever if you started a podcast. I imagine everyone will want to listen, no matter what you talk about. Please please do it! 🙂
I need your help. As I nurse I spent so much of my life carrying for others, and asking for help is not something I am good at, but I need food help and I have fallen in love with all your recipes and life stories so I am reaching out to you to see if you can help make this better. I was just put on a FODMAP diet and after my first two weeks of researching several reliable sources, I have to say, I am sick of chicken, eggs, rice and green beans. I say that because that is my end of a tired work day, can’t think of anything creative, safe food. Imagine, lactose free, gluten free, no salt, black pepper, onion or garlic (these are my big pain and other negative behavior triggers). And I have learned there are others like me out there. My husband and I both feel better already, but I so miss your amazing “real foods”, things that made me excited to be in the kitchen and curl up on the couch and enjoy.
Up to a challenge?
This sentence struck a cord with me:
“I know acceptance is supposed to be the final stage of grief processing, and I can acknowledge the reality that it happened. My son died. I acknowledge that.”
I don’t know if you’ve heard of the book, if not it’s worth checking out – it’s called The Five Ways We Grieve by Susan Berger and it looks at how people grieve differently and sort of moves away (the book) from the classic 5 stages of grief.
Now I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. I lost my mom (my bff) and it still hurts all these years later but I can’t imagine losing a child.
My point is that I think the 5 stages don’t really apply to death? Cause I think it feels weird when people think you should get over it or “take as long as you need” when in reality you have to adjust to a whole new life, completely new feelings and ideas … This article explains it well: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077
I just want to say I admire you and your ability to talk about all of this, I think you’re helping a lot of people along the way and that podcast sounds like a wonderful idea!
Hope summer continues to treat you well.
xo
Hey Lindsay! Its Winter here in OZ, so I vicariously enjoy your Summers while I wait none to patiently for mine! I have learned, as you say, to embrace every season of my life, both literally and figuratively, as wheels cannot turn without every spoke. I hope this particular time in your cycle only makes your turn stronger, and that you guys have far more Summer in your future. Much love and light x
Lindsay- I’m a long time follower and first time commenter. I thinj of you and Bjork often as you march on after Afton’s death and I’m so sorry you have to experience this. Your words are so painfully beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Prayers for peace and healing.
The oil glands in my eyes are broken too, and I’m only 24. I used to have awful dry eye because of it. Taking an Omega 3 supplement called Thera Tears helps a ton, as do the warm eye masks!
“And maybe because grief has no rules. It just finds you wherever and whenever and takes over for a minute, or a day, or a week.”
One of the most beautifully accurate things ever written.
We love you, Lindsay. You have a strong and beautiful and resilient soul. We will be here with you. Glad you are getting a vacation- soak up all that goodness, girl!
Am very sorry about that. I lost my mom in 2007 and my brain grinded to a halt.
It’s only now that I am beginning to see the light. But still…… I still feel I only want her.
The best thing anyone did to me and still does to me about the loss is just say nothing. It’s very comforting when nobody tries to pull me away from that loss.
As a result, I recover at my own pace, in my own style.
Enjoyed your update ❤️ Happy Summer!
Hi Lindsay! First of all: I am so sorry for your loss. I found your blog recently and finds that it truly stands out among all the other food blogs that I follow. You make the reader feel that there’s a living, breathing and quite extraordinary human behind all the recipies. <3
This is, by the way, THE BEST food blog ever. I feel an urge to cook and eat ALL the things. Thank you so much!
/Anneth from Sweden
Lindsay, I know our situations are different — you lost your son, and I lost my husband — but the way you write about grief and your process through it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you. <3 I can relate to everything you've said. I'm 3+ months out now and life continues on, and I too am learning to live with that duality. It's awful and beautiful.
If you haven’t already, please check out “A Man Called Ove,” by Fredrik Backman. It’s a book about layers and is filled with so much goodness that you’ll miss the characters, whom you’ve surprisingly fallen head over heels for, once you’re done. If you’re like me, you’ll cry from laughter, sympathy, love, and happiness several times throughout the reading of this book. My husband is afraid of it for this reason.
If you have read it already, Mr. Backman has a few others and “Britt-Marie Was Here” is a lot like Ove.
I wish you the best of summers and wonderful time at the lake! Being in northern Michigan I understand how important it is to find the time to enjoy the beautiful weather!
Thanks for lunch. Don’t comment often but I visit each time you post. I am a Grandma and know you have been through such a hard season it breaks my heart for you. hearing you work your way through helps to make you ok. You are in my prayers.
Hello Lindsay,
Lovely article and awesome pictures.
Good to hear that you are doing ok with your eye now.
The workshop of yours looks amazing and hope to see the another one soon.
Waiting for your podcast.
Thanks for the share.
Shantanu.
I love this post, Lindsay. In fact, I just started a five minute journal (Thank you, Bjork for talking about it on the FBP podcast!) and mid-way through reading your words, I made a mental note to write this down as one of the things that made today awesome. Everything here is from the heart. I am glad to hear that you and Bjork are adjusting ok to life with loss, finding ways to honor Afton, and enjoying our fleeting (and humid!) Minnesota summer. If you haven’t ventured to Connie’s Creamy Cone on Dale and Maryland, they have a bazillion flavors of soft serve ice cream! Take care…
I just mentioned my sister-in-law’s website about losing her son and how they’re coping. The address is: http://drawingfromdrew.blogspot.com
if you’re interested.
I know Heidi has said reading about other families has helped/let her know she wasn’t alone.
My brother and his wife just lost their son earlier this year. His name was Drew and he was 2 (neuroblastoma- type of cancer). My sister-in-law has been blogging about the journey and how the grief keeps hitting her at odd times.
Adding a prayer for you guys tonight. Sorry for your loss.