This Is The Story Of How I Got a Tattoo
(um, I GOT A TATTOO!!!!!!! I’m very chill about it.)
There’s nothing really extraordinary about my particular story: I experienced a tragedy, it changed me forever, and I wanted to physically ink my body to reflect my newness. I wanted to carry my story and my sweet baby boy in a way that was visible to myself and others. It’s meaningful, and empowering, and also, it’s a pretty basic tattoo story.
Sometime between the blur of January and February and March, post-hospital, post-loss, post-trauma, when all I could really do with myself was think about ways to memorialize Afton, I made list upon list of things that I called my Grief Calendar. It was things I could do each week or each month that would help me feel closer to Afton even in his absence. And somehow, in that loop of ideas (planting trees, joining a grief group, making a memory book) I got stuck on this idea of a tattoo. I can’t remember if someone recommended it to me? it had to have been – I don’t think I had the mental capacity to come up with any ideas on my own during what now feels like a complete wash of two, three, four months. But as soon as the idea was presented, it was practically a done deal.
The idea wasn’t totally new – over the last few years I had considered getting a tattoo, but you don’t want to get just ANY old tattoo, right? I mean, I’m risk-averse enough that if I was going to do something so permanent, it couldn’t just be a random little pineapple on my shoulder or something. (Although, note to self: pineapple would actually be kind of cute.) I was open to the idea – I was just waiting for the right one to present itself.
And then it presented itself – not how I thought it would look, but in the form of loss, and love, and a tiny expression of rebellion against the status quo.
This was my right one.
I did what all good people of 2017 would have done – I went on a major googling run:
“best tattoo shop twin cities”
“where to get a tattoo on your body”
“tattoo memorial”
“tattoo women small”
“tattoo inspiration”
“tattoo fails”
“what to know before getting a tattoo”
I called and scheduled it. It wasn’t for several months thanks to the popularity of my preferred location (as Bjork reminded me every day: the fact that they are busy is a good sign, Linds). Every day I wished it was happening sooner. My body felt lost without it. I needed to be marked, to have some outward symbol of a new and mostly invisible reality. Sometimes I’d look down and my arm and touch it and just wish that I had that ink buried deep in my skin.
I had been working with one of my talented and generous friends to help design a hand-lettered version of his name – Afton – and went back and forth on the styles with everyone who would look at them with me. Is this one too girly? Too scripty? Too basic? Which one looks the most Afton-y? One day I came across a lettering account on Instagram. I wasn’t even looking – it was just by chance, it was maybe even on my Discover page somewhere. I took one look at Aedriel’s lettering and I just knew this was the exact style I was looking for. I sent her an email asking for help with the final, official lettering of this tattoo, and she said yes.
And suddenly, like time does, it snuck up. The tattoo was happening in three days.
Wait a minute, uhhh, what’s happening? Where did we get this idea again? Who is supervising my decision-making right now?
I started my second, more frantic googling run:
“what do tattoos look like when you’re old”
“pictures old people tattoos”
“women tattoo regret”
“will I regret getting a tattoo”
“how bad does a tattoo hurt”
Even as we drove to the tattoo shop, I was debating between wrist and forearm. I was worried about weird things like veins on my wrist, but I was motivated by the idea that something on my forearm would be the most visible to the most people the most frequently. During a deep dive in Pinterest’s tattoo archives, I found a picture of a small tattoo on a woman’s forearm in a scripty font and I was sold. I printed out the picture and brought it to the tattoo shop with me.
We played around with size and location at the tattoo shop (thanks, Allie!) and eventually got it just right.
“Okay, are you ready?” she smiled.
It kind of hurt, but also kind of not. Maybe I was expecting it to be worse? Or maybe the pain of the needles and the ink felt appropriate given the pain of the situation that was bringing me to get a tattoo in the first place. Either way, I didn’t flinch too many times and I didn’t cry. Well, I did feel my eyes filling with tears at one point, but that was just my heart swelling.
She finished in about ten minutes, and I looked at it, and I loved it.
From the very first moment, I loved it.
I have to tell you – in the week leading up to this day, I had started getting cold feet. I was googling pictures of old people with tattoos and trying to decide if I this would something I’d be proud of, or if I’d look back and regret it.
And there was a moment where I just made a firm decision: I made the decision to never regret this tattoo.
That’s something that can be decided, right? I promised myself in that moment I would never look at this tattoo for any reason and say, “I wish I wouldn’t have gotten this tattoo,” even for something as shallow as how it looked with a watch or the way my shirt sleeves laid over it or how it would look with my future wrinkly skin.
This little piece of scripty font across my forearm? It’s beautiful and sacred and a little bit rebellious and I will never regret it. I will never regret writing my baby’s name on my arm and carrying it around with me everywhere I go.
So that’s that. That’s the end of my basic tattoo story.
It’s a physical representation of an invisible truth: that I have a son, that he made me a mom, and that I love him in life and death.
So… who else is inked? 🤓 Tattoo-ers unite! (Well, I don’t think this tiny tattoo gets me fully into the tattoo club, but maybe I can be a junior member or something.)
A million thanks to Aedriel for the amazing custom tattoo design!
I got my tattoo done at Tailorbird Tattoo in Minneapolis. Many thanks to Allie and team for such a wonderful, non-scary first-time experience!
This tattoo is so gorgeous and thoughtful. Thank you for sharing your story and thought process.
That is the exact spot all my babies heads would lay on my arm, sometimes numbing it when we would fall sleep in the wee hours of the night. That spot is such a mama spot. This is a beautiful story and I appreciate you sharing.
🤍
This is one of the very first things that I thought might help me in some way with the loss of our son Jack. Your tattoo is absolutely perfect and beautiful. The idea of tattooing my sweet baby’s name somewhere on my arm or wrist is something I can focus on right now. It gives me something to look forward to. Thank you for sharing so much of your story ❤️
What a beautiful tattoo and memory of your son. I too have a tattoo on my forearm in memory of my son Isaac. At 19 he passed away in an accident. As a young boy he collected hearts for me. Whether it be a chunk from an ice cream cone or a potato chip I have them saved in a special box. He had said to me ,as a 4yr old, ‘I love you mom, I’m never gonna unlove you’. I chose to trace the heart shaped cone piece along with his words, ” I’m never gonna unlove you’ along with his name. It’s a beautiful , forever tribute to our son. MK
Hi. I love your tattoo. I have two now. First and second about 6 months apart. I got them at age 55. I love them one is an infinity with my husband and my wedding date and three hearts to represent my boys.. I got this because my husband had a stroke. Thankfully he is recovered but I really wanted to represent my family… what a beautiful tribute to your son…
I am so truly sorry to hear of your loss… there are Indian myths, of children who have passed on shortly after birth, only because they had a couple of karmas to clear before reuniting w the mighty powers…god bless and may his soul rest in peace! And you are a very strong woman, …
saw this story and. Blog, while searching for an apple cake, (which I made right away and was delish)
Absolutely beautiful! I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I stumbled upon this blog post while frantically searching the internet for tattoo stories since I’m getting my first tattoo in 3 days! This tattoo has been on my calendar for months and I’m getting the same cold feet you had. It’s also going to be on my inner forearm and it’ll be a memorial tattoo for my father who passed away unexpectedly two years ago. Your story was inspiring and is helping me feel much better. Thank you for sharing your loss and your experience
Love this so much. I have 3 tattoos and gearing up for my 4th and this has inspired me to do something similar except with my grandmother’s name. Thank you for sharing!
What a beautiful tattoo and tribute to Afton. Like you, I got a memorial tattoo for my late son. It gives me comfort when I see on my wrist every day.
Lindsey- I too had my first baby’s name tattooed on my forearm. “Anna Joy” she was born at 17 weeks into the arms of Jesus on Oct. 7th. Someone sent me your story.. it brings me comfort not being alone. It brings me hope. And your words of honestly and raw truth helped me feel new grief .. revealed more depth to my pain. Thank you. I know you get thousands of comments, but I had a very similar situation it frightens me to the core thinking of the next time. I’d love to hear more from you on that aspect too. Thank you again… this is bold and beautiful.
*Lindsay 😉
this is so beautiful.
We lost our daughter (my step daughter) Aug 13. She would have been 25 on Aug 24 th. I also had an overwhelming desire to get a tattoo. I got her initials behind my left ear, filled in with leopard print, her favorite. She will forever be with me.
I. L.O.V.E. I.T.!
I love the tattoo! Its perfect…subtle, classy, yet bold and beautiful. I am a new reader and just have to say….I am hooked! perfect mix of food and life! I read about your sweet Afton over the night and my heart aches for you and your husband…but you’ve told his story beautifully. Looking forward to what the future holds for you!
It is beautiful!
I was getting some random recipes off Pinterest, came across some awesome looking ones on your site. The next thing I know I’m crying after reading about precious Afton. This verse popped into my head. Romans 15:13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
LOVE your tattoo. what a touching story and a lovely way to honor Afton. 🙂
I have made attempts to connect with you a few times this year, having followed the story of your loss. And now seems like the time to post. In Sept 2015 my daughter lost her first baby, in utero at 8-months; you know how this feels. One week later I had the meaning of my grand-daughter’s name tattooed on my left shoulder blade. In March 2016 my daughter announced she was expecting; we found out in June she was having a boy. The first pregnancy after a loss is known as the rainbow baby. Her rainbow baby arrived in Nov 2016. Within 1-month I had the meaning of his name tattooed under his sister’s meaning. She is his guardian angel, figuratively & literally.
I wanted to share this with you with the hope that maybe one day your wish will be found at the end of the rainbow.
I love it! I recently got a tattoo for my three boys…and I don’t regret it at all! They see it and know it’s for them. They talk about the colours that represent them and I can’t imagine myself without it.
And I wanted to say thank you for talking about your loss. So many don’t and when you’ve experienced loss, sometimes the easiest way to deal with it is by talking it through. I miscarried between my 2nd and 3rd son quite far along…and not everyone understands that I need to talk about the child that isn’t with us. Thank you and take care.
I got my first and (so far) only tattoo when my brother-in-law passed away. I was living out of the country when he passed away and wasn’t able to say goodbye. When I moved back to the States (my sister- his wife) and I both got tattoos to commemorate him. It was really healing for me to do this for a few reasons. For one, it made his loss a permanent part of me, a way to help me heal and mourn. Second, it showed my sister that she wasn’t the only one who remembered him. And third, the pain of getting the tattoo was a little bit cleansing if that makes sense. My tattoo was small, it only took a few minutes to do, but it is something I cherish. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Afton, and I hope your tattoo (it’s beautiful, by the way) helps you and those around you remember his impact on your life. Sending love your way. -Becki Barker
It is beautiful
What a beautiful lettering! This year I lost my grandmother and decided to have a tattoo about matriarchy (what she always represented to me) and the continuity through generations (what I wanted to happen from then on). So I did it. And I’ll never regret it. Our loved ones will always be in our minds and hearts, so why not in our skin too? Let’s cherish these memories, see them, touch them, relive them everytime we explain their meaning to someone. All the love from Brazil!
I’m not a tattoo person at all, but I really love what you did. Perfect tribute. Great spot and the font is beautiful!
On a more random note, where are your grey sweatpants from? They look perfectly comfy and cozy.
I had three miscarriages (years ago) and eventually I too found that having a tattoo that symbolizes them once again on/in me helped make me feel a bit better.
Ps. I absolutely love your tattoo of your sweet baby’s name. The place of it on your wrist was a great one!